12 December 2008
I was on a big 737 with one of my best friends who I've known practically my whole life. Just us. Her and I. And the pilot. The pilot was old with grey hair and a white beard and moustache.
The crash happened fast but nothing even happened to the plane. We landed in a river right on the side of a town. All the townspeople were watching from the shops along the river. My friend opened the plane dooor for the emergency exit and a yellow slide blew up that we could slide down into the water. The water was brown and dirty. She held her breath and jumped out and slide down into the water. I think the water was even shallow enough to stand in. But I wouldn't jump. I was running around the empty plane looking for my purse. She kept screaming for me to get out of the plane, that it might explode, but I wouldn't without my purse. I needed it. Then when I found it I was looking for something I could put it in so it wouldn't get wet. She kept screaming, "get out! get out!" I shouted back, "I need my purse! My insulin is in it!" So I finally got my bag and jumped and slide down into the water. When I hit the water I made sure to hold my bag above my head so it wouldn't get wet. We swam to shore. All three of us. Then I woke up.
Even in my dreams I have diabetes. I guess there is no escaping.
14 November 2008
It's good that we're finally getting a little more attention. Although, it's probably just due to the fact that it's National Diabetes Awareness Month or whatever bull shis they made up to make us feel appreciated... kind of like Boss's Day or Valentine's Day. The only other things I've seen in the media are ads at CVS for diabetes supplies for like ketone strips and glucotabs [watermellon is my new favorite]... But I could be wrong there may be more stuff circulating out there... I don't watch TV so maybe there have been some fantabulous stories. Please send me a link if there are...
However, I am very happy about World Diabetes Day. Global attention... that's what we need!
Spread the word. Tell your friends. Celebrate life!
31 October 2008
And you? You couldn't care less.
Except I have a feeling we are not so different. We are worried about the future. The future of our economy, our planet, our health. Since moving to Florida, I have had a very difficult time finding a job so I've had to settle for a job in a restaurant. However, the restaurant industry is not what it used to be with the economy and all... It fits my school schedule and right now that's what is most important. What about after I graduate and am in debt up to my eyeballs with an impeccable piece of paper that says I've Mastered the field of Public Health. Will there be a job for me doing something I actually want to do? That is the American Dream isn't it? To be the person we most dream to be? I have a dream....
Change is never easy. I can attest to that. I've lived in 5 states, 4 of which have been in the last 3 years. Starting over each time. New friends. New faces. New places to get lost. Change. It is never easy but it is inevitable. At some point in our lives we will have to accept it and embrace it. Barack Obama is "change" personified. He is the epitome of the America we used to dream of.
With the two very different presidential candidates, we have the potential for two very different Americas... two very different futures. Imagine those two Americas.
Which one do you want to live in?
Because once we make our choice we cannot go back and erase it.
I believe Obama has the ability to steer our country in the right direction. A direction worthy of its citizens. We deserve better, happier, prosperous lives. If we were voting for who should be the next Army General or Secretary of Defense my vote would be for McCain. Hands down. He's the most qualified man for the job. However, we're not. We're voting for the next President of the United States of America. There are greater issues than the war we are currently engulfed in, thanks to the current regime. McCain would lead our troops excellently. As Commander in Chief, yes that would be ONE of his jobs. But America has issues here on American soil that have not been addressed properly in the last eight years. That needs to change and I most agree with Obama's plans. I'm voting for change. Not just change we can believe in but a change I need to believe in. Freedom. Health insurance. Financial stability. Peace. Education for all. Liberty. Freedom of speech. A vibrant place to raise a family. Health care. The basic human rights our country was founded on that seem to have been lost along the way. I'm voting for change and I hope you do too.
And in a nutshell, that is my opinion. Obama has my vote.
But whatever your choice, just vote. At least that hasn't been taken away... yet.
15 October 2008
I've been somewhat of a hypochondriac for more than awhile and it's kicking in big time right now. Lately my shoulders have been bothering me, like I can't rest/sleep on one side for very long or my arms get weak or tingly or fall asleep. But now, like as I'm writing this, my shoulders feel tired. Could it be from poor circulation? Because I know I have poor circulation, my hands are always cold. Maybe I'm overreacting - anticipating some diabetes complication to kick in. Like my eye sight has changed... again and I have an astigmatism. Is is because I have diabetes or is it just a natural thing that happens? Aging and whatnot? I also just noticed I have red marks on my pinkies... After eight years of this I hadn't really thought about complications, just recently have I begun to contemplate the future, my life in 8, 18 or even 38 years from now... it freaks me out to think of these things. It is, however, a reality of living with diabetes.
What's next? ...
08 October 2008
Also, please feel free to copy and paste the letter below and spam your friends so they can all sign it too! Let's make this thing happen people!! Get to it!!!
google doodle goodle goodel doogle google doodle dogle google
Announcement: Diabetes Doodle for Google-----
Hello Diabetes Supporters,
The founders of TuDiabetes.com and DiabetesDaily.com have teamed up with a mission of getting a diabetes doodle on Google in honor of World Diabetes Day on November 14.
What's a doodle you say? It's those fun Google logos that you sometimes see, especially around the holidays.
There is a petition circulating right now and we need 20,000 signatures by November 1. Sign the petition at www.diabetesdoodle.com.This Cause has more than 45,000 signatures, so if you support diabetes awareness, please sign the petition. Millions of people will see the doodle on November 14 for World Diabetes Day. Make your voice heard!
05 October 2008
::ring riiiing:: of course it's an automated message telling me to please hold...
still holding... listening to the great elevator soundtrack of 1968... stillll holding. Oh someone finally picks up and asks me to keep holding. Ok... continue holding.
Receptionist: (obviously annoyed and disgruntled) Hello how can I help you?
Me: (trying to be as cheery as possibly to the obviously annoyed lady of the other end) Hi! I'd like to make an appointment.
Lady: Ok. What problem are you having??
Me: umm... well I have type 1 diabetes.
Lady: Ok. Are you a new patient?
Me: Yes, I just moved here and I'm looking for a new endocrinologist.
Lady: Ok. What type of diabetics do you have?
Me: ::pause:: (what type of diabetics??) umm... I uh have type 1 diabetes.
Lady: Ok. the next appointment we have available is January 28th.
Me: Oh wow geez that's a long time away but ok. Is there any way I could get some lab works done before I see the new endo? You know so she has something to look at?
Lady: Ok well I'll have to transfer you to the office to see if they can do that. Hold please...
holding.... for about 5 minutes....
Lady: Hi hold on ok?
Me: yeah sure.
Lady: and if there are any cancellations before that appointment we'll give you a call.
Me: Ok thanks I appreciate that.
holding some more...
New Receptionist: (less annoyed than the first receptionist) Hello. How can I help you?
Me: Well I was wondering if I could get some papers sent to my house so I can get some bloodwork done before my appointment.
New Lady: Are you a new patient?
Me: Yes, It'd be the first time seeing this doctor.
New Lady: Well then no. Your doctor has to see you first before writing any prescriptions.
Me: I don't need new prescriptions I already have diabetes. I just want to get my A1c done before I see the doctor.
New Lady: You have to see the doctor before she can write new prescriptions.
Me: Ok. Maybe you didn't hear me correctly. I don't need new prescriptions, I just would like to get some bloodwork done.
New Lady: That's not possible. You have to see the doctor first. Have your old doctor's office send in your files.
I gave in. I think that is ridiculous. I want to know what my A1c is now. It was horrible the last time and I've been working on getting it lower and I want to know if my hard work has been "paying off". However, I must admit, eventhough I probably shouldn't... I think the A1c is kind of dumb. It's an average right? So if it is just an average then the average of really high numbers and really low numbers is a pretty awesome number. Right? So, the average of moderate numbers and then a few high numbers is a higher number than the real ones. Catch my drift? I don't think it's a real indicator of how we're really taking care of ourselves. Maybe you disagree. It's just my opinion...
Sit back, relax and enjoy the show.
27 September 2008
Good way to start off your day.
23 September 2008
I got a craving... I think I need the patch....
This sounds pretty freaking cool. I'm all about noninvasive technology [D-related or otherwise] and this sounds amazingly close to that! However, I have a strong aversion to things that are sticky. I think that's one of many reasons I hated the pump. The little stickers [I even hate the word ::shiver:: sticker ::shiver::] never stuck! If it can stay in place, not hurt too much and do it's freakin job then hey, sign me up. I like new toys. Could be fun... in a weird it's fun and diabetes related technology kinda way... I'm interested to see this on the market. I mean like a cure or something would be rockin' but whatevs... Just make my life a little easier and I'll be happy! My first endo still has 2 years until he's completely wrong and I will forever call him a lier... [not a direct quote but almost] "they almost have the human genome project figured out and after that it'll be 5 - 10 years and there will be a cure for diabetes!" You've got 2 years mister... let's see what happens first a cure or the patch is gracing the gluteous maximus of everyone with diabetes...
Never give up.
10 September 2008
Not sure when it started... but I think I've finally caught myself... maybe... I just uploaded my Freestyle Flash meter into the Co-Pilot program so I can track what I'm doing... Apparently I haven't been doing much testing. I've only an average of 3.4 checks per day in the last month. Not good when trying to "control" my bs. And my Tuesday AM average is waaaay higher than it ever should be and Saturday averages are practically non-existent. Also, when I went back to DC in August I was supposed to go visit my endo. Did I? Nope. I slept til 11 because I didn't get to sleep til 6... but I did manage to wake up for enough time to cancel said appointment. I need an endo in Miami. Any suggestions? ::sigh::
Time to get back on the ball.
09 September 2008
27 August 2008
Oh! and ps I got a scholarship for half my tuition this year!!! Amazing news for my bank account :)
Ok that's all I have left for tonight. I'm going to watch a movie and crash.
26 July 2008
16 July 2008
My numbers have been great so far. No highs, no lows, just great. Which makes the trip soooo much easier!! I stopped for a late lunch early dinner at Shoney's. Salad bar and mash potatoes... an odd craving but exactly what I wanted! mmmmm
Ok. It is bedtime. Gotta get my rest before the drive!
keep on truckin.
27 June 2008
Whenever I hear that song... or that phrase for that matter... I always transform back to my highschool marching band days and I'm suddenly roll stepping down Veterans Blvd in Metairie, LA or on a football field... flute in hand for some parade or football game playing "it's the final countdown" dududu duuu dudududu duuu. Those are the only words I know but the melody is stuck like cement glue to my brain.
So it's not officially the FINAL countdown [per se] but I am counting down!! 9 days until my last day at work whoop whoop!!! That's such a fun countdown, more so than counting til the last day of class in my mind. Maybe because I'll be back in a classroom before I know it. And I cannot wait!!!!!!! I love being on a campus. Any campus probably. It's so exciting there's always so much energy, even if everyone has been up til 5am, studying or participating in debauchery. ::sigh:: college life. Classes start on August 25. Five days after I start my quarter life crisis.
Still trying to figure out a move date, but it probably won't be long after my last day at work.
Diabetes is in constant flux. Still trying to figure out why. So goes a day in the life of...
22 June 2008
Started doing a countdown of sorts for my move to hot hot hot MIA. Well roughly. I haven't set an exact date. Maybe that's why I feel so stressed and out of wack lately... arg... But it will definitely be sometime in July to give me enough time to adjust to my new locale and get enough beach time [haha like that's possible!] before school starts and I'm hitting the books again. so. freaking. excited. Today I'm going furniture browsing after I get my workout in. Hopefully I'll find somethings to make my new apartment feel like home.
To the land of sand.
17 June 2008
ok. so I knew I hadn't blogged in awhile but I didn't think it's been this long! sooo quick life update (for those of yall thinking wtf where is she!? haha):
1. I went down to Miami to check out my future school! and apartments and I found a potentially amazing place :) I'm very excited about starting a new chapter in the book of Jules.
2. My numbers have been high like everyday just about for the past few days and I'm not sure why. It's possible that I'm using expired Novolog. How long is it good after the exp. date??
3. Work isn't bad at all. I really enjoy a few people in my office which makes any situation better. I traded books with one called Confessions of and Economic Hitman. It's mind blowing. Check it out if you get a chance.
4. Workouts are continuing. I've been trying to kick it up a notch with classes like Step and Club Strength a couple days a week but eating cookies all day doesn't help. AT ALL. Hmm maybe that's my solution to update #2.
5. Went to Wolftrap with the fam the other weekend for Louisiana day! We had such a great time and we really felt like we were back in NOLA because it was about 97 degrees that day!! hot-hot-hot!!!
6. Life is great.
17 May 2008
10. I hate anything sticky, especially saran wrap and tape.
9. I have lived in four states, five cities and nine different houses/apts. and counting...
8. My favorite color is green because it's the color of my eyes and trees.
7. I want to be Samantha Brown... or to get paid to travel and write about it!
6. Even though I'm from Louisiana, I hate seafood... with the exception of crab cakes and crawfish bread.
5. I absoutely love quotes and find new ones everyday. I have a long list saved in my email "draft" box.
4. I prefer to only read non-fiction because I don't think we can ever learn enough about ourselves, each other and the world... and I think I do a pretty good job of making up my own stories and don't need to read anyone else's.
3. I believe in the good of mankind... no matter how many times I have been seriously disappointed.
2. I refused to eat salads until I was in high school because I found it repulsive now I eat them everyday.
1. I thought Mardi Gras was a national holiday until I went to college. Now I'm glad it's not though because it's something unique to my favorite place in the whole world.
15 May 2008
as i write this i'm coming out of a low. a low i haven't felt in a long time... i'm 42. but this didn't feel like a 42 i've had before. i woke up sweat puddled on my face and i could feel it about to drip down my back. must wake up i thought. i knew i was (am) low i just couldn't make myself wake up i don't know how long ago that was... i fell back asleep... woke up again... julie you're low. test. go get some juice. ok ok. this felt like a low to where i would need an assistant juice getter-er but then i had thoughts racing through my head about being independent and no i can do this! so then i decided that since i was thinking these strange random thoughts i did indeed not need assistance and went downstairs. open the cabinet get a large glass fill it to the brim with grape juice. then i also conclude i need an apple and some peanut butter. why not...
as i sat and drank my grape juice and slathered peanut butter over my apple (not really sure how i still have my fingers after cutting it... low and shaking...) i could literally feel my blood sugar rising...
The sweat stopped sweating. My hands were still shaking but returned to a steadier normal non-shaking state. My thoughts were still strange but less so than before. Oddly, I started thinking of titles and what I would write in this blog. Hm... maybe I need to go test again... yeah... I do...
Must go wash sticky low induded applepeanutbuttergrapejuice fingers.
sorry if blog makes little sense... the title should be enough of a warning....
09 May 2008
08 May 2008
I've had enough of this and I want out. I want off the ride I'm not having fun anymore! I just want it to be over and done with so I... and you and we and everyone with diabetes can be done! forever! I'm tired. It's the kind of tired that you struggle to... keep.. your... eyes... open...
but it's my entire body. My brain wants to shut off, for a day maybe, reboot, power down, relax, rest. To stop. Stop counting and remembering and checking and corrections and carbs and insulin and checking and..... It's constant and I'm tired. So tired.
Monday I had my 3 month follow up endo appointment with Dr. J and got my bloodwork back. My A1c went up. Again. I don't know how. I don't know why. I feel like I've been trying so hard and working out and eating well and nothing, to no avail. I feel like I'm failing myself. It's so frustrating and I just want to stop. I haven't felt this way in a long time because I thought I was doing so well and caring for myself. It's so hard... it used to be so simple. As time goes by it seems to be getting more and more difficult to understand why I can't be "in range" all the freaking time. I thought I knew what I was doing. Have I just been fooling myself? Dr. J says all my other organs are "perfect". Perfect? I don't even know what that means. There is nothing perfect about me. Today I was low 3 times. During the third time I also had a migraine and didn't want to move. I didn't care I was low, I didn't want to eat anything, I just wanted to sit there and will myself to get higher but I also knew that wouldn't happen so I reached in my purse and ate some glucotabs. I didn't care. I just didn't want to have my first seizure at work. How can I stop caring? I'm just so tired and frustrated. Have I said that enough yet?
I look around and see people living their lives. Thinking they have all these worries and problems, living perfectly healthy lives. It makes me laugh and think what do they know about worries. They obviously haven't had a day in the life of a chronic condition. Chronic. That word is so powerful.
Dr. J thinks splitting my Lantus dose will help lower my numbers more. So now I'm taking 10 units twice per day, 12 hours apart. It seems to be working well. Despite the few lows I had today, I've only been high a few times also, everything else has been... decent. I'm going to upload my meter tomorrow and study the graphs and stats and averages. I'm determined to have a graph that looks like the ones I used to have right after I was diagnosed and my endo at Children's in New Orleans would upload my meter and just smile and say how much he loves patients like me. Amazing. Almost always in range. A high here, a low there but great.
I am determined.
I will continue. This is not a battle, I'm not fighting. I'm living my life... trying to work out the kinks. But, I'm frustrated and want to cry and I think I should go to bed. It's been a long day. It's thundering now. I love when it rains at night.
03 May 2008
Keep an eye out for me and come say hi if you recognize me... I'll be wearing an AYUDA t-shirt and shorts so my Casperthefriendlyghost legs can get some color.
On another note. Today, I went to the EU Open House of the Embassies here in DC. My favorites were Portugal, Bulgaria and Latvia. Ireland was highly disappointing and Luxembourg is hardly worth mentioning. Bulgaria really got into it, as I think they all should have. Really showed off their culture with people dancing in traditional garb in the street and upon entering there was a table with Bulgaria wine and apps. Yall should know by know I love wine. Portugal was also very interesting. They showed a quick film about Portugal... enticing me to want to catch the next flight out... and the Ambassador was actually there, shook his hand and listened to him speak briefly and learned that he really likes pens.... I even won a t-shirt. They also had a delicious Portugese port wine and a special pastry cake thing. Latvia was neat because the embassy itself is obviously very old and I love creaky old wood floors... it was decorated in a very gothic style with great art throughout. If you're in the area when they do this next year I would highly recommend visiting those embassies. Next weekend some others are open so maybe I check them out too... who knows... we shall see.
Well... time to rest up hope to see you in the AM!!
01 May 2008
Ok maybe not. I still had to take insulin.... blah blah blah... whatever! Let me bask in my fabulous non-diabetes diabetes glory!! ::muahahahahahaha::
Hopefully it continues today! I have another endo appointment on Cinco de Mayo. This time I'll be ready. I got bloodwork done the other day on my lunch break so it should be in by tomorrow [so they say]. AND I finally figured out why I couldn't upload my meter to the Co-Pilot program to get all the readings on my meter onto nifty little statistical charts and such. Dr. J will be soooo impressed............
To a wonderful Thursday!
PS Ugly Betty's on tonight!! It's definitely my favorite show. ever.
29 April 2008
I'm going after work soooo maybe I'll see yall there!!
ok update time...
Went with my parents which is always fun [and no i'm not being sarcastic!] We laughed at each other for a few hours, ate some cheese and truffle puffs and some biscuit things that tasted like goldfish crackers, drank... a lot.... it was great. There were about 22 different wines to try from France and Spain. I had about 20 of the 22... I don't know how I'm writing this right now honestly. And yes, I took the metro home.
::public service announcement:: Drinking and driving is bad kids don't do it.
Had some ah-mazing wines four of which I would very much like to purchase for future consumption... as well as one hotty hot hottie french guy... oh well I guess I'll just have the wine. I did run up an leave my email on the sign in sheet. Hey you never know what could happen, right? Ok a girl can dream.
oh! ps: This coming Sunday [May 4th] I'm doing the JDRF walk to cure diabetes, starting at the National Mall. Are you?? It'd be great to finally meet some of yall :) or if you can't walk please donate!
I'll probably be wearing an AYUDA t-shirt so be on the look out!
17 April 2008
Today I'm feeling better numbers have been decent but I've been going crazy everytime I see chocolate [ladies understand] so I'm skipping dinner to "make up for it". Sooooo excited tomorrow's Friday. And the weather is supposed to be another gorgeous day... in the 80s even!Have plans in the works for the weekend. One of which is on Sunday for an Earth Day Celebration at the National Mall! Fun!! If anyone's around maybe I'll see you there :)
I still miss my Bitsy. I keep finding her fur around the house, on my clothes, on the floor, everywhere! It seems like she's still around even though I know she's gone. Life can change so quickly.
More changes still..... for instance, I've decided to move. Again!! I got accepted into the Master's program I wanted :) But this time... back south. Way south.... Miami!!
I'm going to FIU for my MPH [master's in public health]. Super excited. Nervous. Happy. Ready. Anxious. I'll be homesick the day after I get there I know it. But I'm sure I'll find something to do before school starts. I'm going down in July. School starts 25 August. YAY!!!
like the wind.
09 April 2008
26 March 2008
Here's the Nancy Grace, CNN side of the story as well.
Untreated diabetes kills girl
Parents choose prayer instead of medical care
Gannett Wisconsin Media
TOWN OF WESTON -- The parents of an 11-year-old girl who died Sunday from an untreated form of diabetes prayed for the girl's health rather than seek medical intervention, police said.
According to police, Madeline Kara Neumann of the town of Weston died of diabetic ketoacidosis, a condition that develops when a person's body has too little insulin. She reportedly had not received medical treatment since she was 3 years old, said Everest Metro Police Chief Dan Vergin, whose department is investigating.
The girl's parents, Dale and Leilani Neumann, were unaware their daughter's recent illness was caused by diabetic ketoacidosis, Vergin said. Although the family has no ties to a specific church or religion, he said, they prayed for her and then attributed her death to them apparently not having enough faith.
"It is our understanding that instead of seeking medical help, they chose to pray over her and their faith would heal her," Vergin said.
Madeline Neumann's aunt from California contacted the Police Department out of concerns about the girl's health and asked police to check on her niece, Vergin said. The girl, who went by her middle name, Kara, was taken by ambulance from the family's home on Maplewood Drive to Saint Clare's Hospital in Weston, where she was pronounced dead.
Marathon County Medical Examiner John Larson said diabetic ketoacidosis prevents the body from absorbing nutrients. The girl appeared abnormally lean, and Larson said her body was wasting away.
Kathy Ziembo, an advanced practice registered nurse at Aspirus Wausau Hospital, said the condition is treatable and that the hospital treats several cases of it a week.
Symptoms include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, excessive thirst and fatigue.
"You know if there is something wrong," Ziembo said.
A shortage of insulin causes the body to break down fat, a process that produces toxic acids known as ketones. Treatment generally takes a few days in the hospital, as patients receive insulin intravenously to replace lost fluids.
Neumann's death will be investigated further, and the findings will be forwarded to the Marathon County district attorney's office to determine if any crime was committed, Vergin said.
Police have not had previous contact with her family, he said.
The girl's mother, Leilani Neumann, is co-owner of Monkey Mo Coffee To Go in Weston. A sign posted Tuesday on the shop's front door read, "Closed due to family emergency."
The Neumanns could not be reached for comment.
and please don't take insulin intravenously. that's just not right in any way... the article should have said saline solution not insulin...
Praying for strength.
25 March 2008
24 March 2008
15 March 2008
12 March 2008
Sorry, I haven't updated my life details recently. I got a new job assignment and I can no longer access my email or other fun things online, during business hours, that used to keep me quite entertained throughout the day. They actually expect me to work! The nerve...
When I get home after work and working out and checking my emails, I will try my best to post something exciting that has happened...
07 March 2008
03 March 2008
AYUDA has been a major part of this process for me and I honestly don't know where I'd be without them. I've set up a donation page on FirstGiving [with a link to my page if you'll kindly direct your attention to the cute little widget on the side of your screen]. If you feel as passionate as I do about helping other with diabetes please donate... every little bit counts.
And now back to our regularly scheduled programming......
I was reading this morning on the train some more and I came across a paragraph that really made me realize how much I'm not living in the moment. "Your purpose is to sit here and talk to me, because that's where you are and that's what you are doing. Until you get up and do something else. Then, that becomes your purpose"(pg 263). Wow. Yes! I totally get it now. ::deep breath:: "Some changes may look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge"(pg 274). Diabetes can be looked at as a negative change. But is it really? I think it's the best thing that has happened to me in these past 24 years. It has given me the opportunity to become something greater than myself. It has lead me to Ecuador and the children there and AYUDA and I am so happy for that.
becoming more conscious.
29 February 2008
In many parts of the book I see myself, thoughts, friends, relationships and diabetes. Not just diabetes as a condition [as I think of it to be] but as I've heard others talk about it... an illness... that people suffer from. I do not suffer from anything and neither should you.
26 February 2008
I know I shouldn't be mad and that's just how things go but for the first time in nearly eight years I began to worry about future complications. All the maybe's and what if's tore through my brain. How could I have let myself slip like this?? This is what I want to do with my life, how can I teach people how to care for themselves if I can't even care for me!? Is my insulin old? [no] Do I eat too much junk? [no] Why can't I get this?
Then, I took a deep breath and shut off my brain.
On Sunday, I decided I need to make some changes. I need to continue with my exercise because it makes me feel good. I need to cut some of the crap out of my diet [for now] until I can get my A1c down. I need to find that stupid cable that's in a box somewhere in the garage so I can upload my meter. My numbers were great that day too... probably cuz I was checking like a maniac and went to the gym for almost two hours...
I go back to Dr. J in May hopefully with better news...
15 February 2008
It has just been one of those days where all I can do is laugh at myself. I'm laughing at myself a lot right now, possibly also because I'm low. But let's start at the beginning...
Earlier today I was busy checking and writing emails to all those important people that I must contact. Well, I took a quick break and stretch and open my eyes real wide an ::plop:: my left contact falls out. I didn't have any drops with me so I asked co-workers if they had any. One did and offered them to me. Just plain ol' allergy eye drops nothing fancy not prescribed, just regular OTC drops. And I've done that before... used regular drops instead of the ones 'for contacts'... well I'll never do that again. After putting my contact back into my eye it was time for lunch. So I trotted on over to Union Station for some delicious mushroom soup and a croissant from Au Bon Pain. As I was eating though I noticed that my eye felt a little strange, like my contact had fallen out again so I went to buy some contact drops and went back to the office. Got back to the office, went into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and holy crap batman! My left eye was dialated to were there was only a sliver of green left. The right one was perfectly normal. Creepy looking to say the least. AND it freaked me out. Then I went to one of my co-workers leaned over her desk and asked "Do you think this is normal?" Of course she said no, then suggested I go see an optometrist. There's one in Union Station so I went back, blocking my left eye from sun and spectators. For $50, the doc told me that I has basically poured the equivalent of an entire bottle of eye dialating solution into my eye because the contact absorbed the chemicals in the drops (of which there is a small amount of the same stuff used to dialate eyes apparently...) Well now my left eye is still dialated [I took a pictures, I'll post it later so yall can see the creepiness of it] and could possibly be so until tomorrow possilby Sunday... and it might go without saying but I also had to throw out my contact and can only see out of my right eye.
Now that yall know slightly how I feel right now... About 30 minutes ago I started feeling low so I checked... 72... decent... but I felt like I was dropping so I went to the fridge to get a little sprite. Took the can and came back to my desk. Just sitting here typing away, reading other blogs, getting a little shaky, taking more sips... man why is this not working I must really be dropping! So I nearly finish more than half the can when I pick it up again to take another sip... 0 Carbs 0 Sugar... DAMNIT it's Sprite Zero..... if I had two properly functioning eyes I bet I'd have noticed that sooner....
Anyway, I go back to the fridge and pour myself a glass of regular sugarfull sprite... this better work I can't take any more bubbles!!
Moral of the story is beware of eye drops that aren't for made contacts and Sprite Zero when you're low.....
To a better tomorrow.
The five questions are:
What is your biggest accomplishment? biggest regret? what did you grow up dreaming to be? what's one thing you have wanted to do, but haven't? why not?
My biggest accomplishment - accepting myself as I am. Perfectly flawed. It took me a few years to accept diabetes and openly talk about it. Look at me now! haha I have AYUDA to thank for that. Who would have thought I'd have an "ah-ha" moment on an old bus driving through the mountains of Ecuador? But I did and am forever grateful. Being a diabetes camp counselor has changed my perspective on diabetes, it's less of a struggle, it's no longer a battle, it's balance and design and imperfections and highly unreliable. That's just the way things are and I accept that.
My biggest regret - I don't have one. I regret nothing. Somethings probably would have sucked less if I had taken someones advice on whatever topic I screwed up but c'est la vie. I have no regrets.
Childhood dream - I always thought I could do every job better than the person doing it -- bus driver, dance teacher, vet, scientist, architect, therapist, super hero... I don't remember wanting to be one thing in particular... maybe that why it took me so long to figure it out! But hey, at least it did right?!
Want to do but haven't - Travel the world. "I want the world, I want the whole world". I have an adventurous spirit and just let things go with the flow. Took me awhile to adjust to that, but I have and I like it. I love going to new places [even if it's not abroad] and discovering the ways people live there, how they interact with eachother, slang, dances... just life! I'll keep you posted on to where I'll be going next...
Why not - It's a stupid reason and everyone says it. Money. I have time. I just don't have enough money. I don't want to live in debt to anyone so I'm trying to save as much as possible so I am able to do the things I want to later. My issue is though, what if "later" never comes and I wake up one day and realize I've never done that one thing I've always wanted to do?! That scares me and I'm trying my hardest not to let that happen. I live with dreams in my heart and an open-mind, waiting to see where the road will take me.
12 February 2008
Eh. Maybe I will anyway..........
07 February 2008
06 February 2008
04 February 2008
28 January 2008
24 January 2008
A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes and tear stained cheeks you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are, what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love.... and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms... just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely... You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 2 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up". You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK.... and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch... and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time... FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
I'm not perfect, I'm not trying to be. I'm just trying to be a better version of me, to make myself happy, not anyone else. For me, it's easy to make other people happy, to put them before me, to make things easier for someone else. Slowly, I am learning to do things for myself. Take working out for example. I'm not going to the gym 6 or 7 times a week for someone else... to get my body in shape so some guy might think I look good... I do it for myself so I think I look good. Over time I've learned the importance of caring for others but have left myself in the shadows, for once, I want to be the one in the sun. Don't I deserve that? Haven't I been through enough in my life? I think so. The things I want and the things I need are not necessarily the same. I don't need anyone to make me happy but I do want certain people in my life who make me feel that way. It's a consious decision, don't take it for granted.
16 January 2008
Thank you for supporting!!!
15 January 2008
Life with diabetes can definitely be frustrating. Something that frustrates me even more is that people have no idea what the heck type 1 is vs. type 2. I'm sitting here reading a book... which I will not reveal... and it keeps mentioning how horrible diabetes is and how it can be preventable and how it is associated with obesity and not once in any of those above statements does it say that he is talking about type 2. Come on people, seriously. Maybe it only bothers me because I'm type 1... but still there is a difference. Type 1 is crappy and type 2 is sucks, too... older, set in your ways, blah blah poor fat you. Yes, it is preventable [for the most part]. Yes, it is associated with obesity. BUT HELLO! Type 1 is not, which is unfortunately labeled by the same nomenclature... diabetes. ::sigh:: I want to re-name type 1. I don't want to be grouped into the same category as type 2 anymore. Any suggestions? Yes, I was diagnosed at 16 and not at 6 but that does not make me type 2. But yet I still have diabetes. Great example of people's misguidedness of diabetes... I was sitting on a plane waiting for 30 minutes to take off when I decided to eat my lunch. I test my blood sugar and begin eating. When I finish eating I take my shot. The guy next to me turns to me and says "So, how long have you been type 2?" No lie. So I say to him, "actually... I'm type 1." He shuts up. I guess he actually knew the difference, which is rare. Just because I am in my 20s does not mean I no longer have type 1. I still have type 1. I will not magically rid myself of diabetes nor will I turn into a type 2 because I got older.
I feel like I've written this post before. Maybe I've just thought about it for so long it seems like I should have already.
Back to my point... Ok... I don't think people other than people with diabetes care that there are more than one kind or that one is associated with the haunting image of obesity running rampant through America and the other is genetic [according to popular belief] and unavoidable... for this I highly doubt anyone will care enough to change the name. I'm fine with being type 1. That's just dandy. Then type 2 should be type 2. Things need to be labeled properly. X's with X's and O's with O's. I'm an X, thank you. There is a difference. I don't want to be lumped into the same category as someone with type 2. I eat well, exercise daily and did not allow my pancreas the opportunity to stop functioning properly when I was 16 by stuffing my face full of fat... it just did it all by itself. I have even read articles posted by the ADA not mentioning which type they were talking about... and it was usually type 2. While I do understand where the confusion comes from... there is a difference. And the ADA of all things. Come on!!! Seriously!? This is why so many people are confused and cram them into the same disease. They are not the same disease, they work in different ways, they have different catalysts. I'm not going to go on and on and explain what the difference is, I just don't feel like doing that right now... maybe some other post. Go read Diabetes for Dummies if you're that curious. It bothers me. Maybe it shouldn't. Maybe I'm being trivial. But it bothers me nonetheless. There is a difference.
Not in the majority.
03 January 2008
It is, yet again, another new year... and I have welcomed it appropriately. Time seems to have escaped me in 2007. Where did it all go? What did I do? Geez. Where am I? What am I doing in this crazy place? But more importantly... what have I learned?
What I have learned, or come to realize, in 2007:
* I am full of questions and few answers but that's the way uh- huh uh-huh I like it. I'd rather be more inquisitive than less than lackluster. I like learning generally. More specifically, I enjoy understanding. However, I've come to know that not everything is meant to be understood. Just take it for what it is and live with it. Somethings are incapable of change as are many people.
* No matter how much you beg the universe you cannot make someone love you. You can only hope he/she realizes your sheer awesomeness and then accept the decisions made by those involved.
* I am southern. I do not have an east coast mentality, personality... insert any other words that end in -ality.
* I enjoy living in new places.
*Somethings in life are free but still should not be given away freely.
* I don't want much but apparently it is still too much to ask for.
* I will always have diabetes - as long as there is a president in office who is opposed to the funding of and research of stem cells.
* Politics are important.
* I will always have diabetes.
* Only the strong survive, survival is an aquired knowledge.
* My mind will run rampant if I let it.
[there may be more but so far... that's all I can come up with]
As this time is a time to make resolutions and swear to the high heavens that we will in fact change that thing about ourselves that we've been meaning to change for the last 8 new years... I resolve to enjoy the journey and accept whatever comes to me. I am no stranger to change and take my days in the manner of which I am acustom to... I'm rather laid-back to say the least. Unless you harm someone/thing that I deeply care for. That's another topic though probably for another time.
I will not make any resolutions to lose weight, save more money, be nicer to... anyone, be more social or whatever other things people tell themselves. I will not because it is something that I constantly need to work on. Saying that now that it is the year 2008, will make no difference to my personal progress to wear a different size pant.
I have written before on change and it is a never ending cycle if you allow it. You should allow it. I have learned more about myself, relationships, friendships, cultures and life due to the changes that have either come willingly or were forced upon me. As they say... change is good. I'm ready for more.
Happy 2008. Enjoy the ride.