Dream

Last night I had a dream that I was in a plane crash.
I was on a big 737 with one of my best friends who I've known practically my whole life. Just us. Her and I. And the pilot. The pilot was old with grey hair and a white beard and moustache.
The crash happened fast but nothing even happened to the plane. We landed in a river right on the side of a town. All the townspeople were watching from the shops along the river. My friend opened the plane dooor for the emergency exit and a yellow slide blew up that we could slide down into the water. The water was brown and dirty. She held her breath and jumped out and slide down into the water. I think the water was even shallow enough to stand in. But I wouldn't jump. I was running around the empty plane looking for my purse. She kept screaming for me to get out of the plane, that it might explode, but I wouldn't without my purse. I needed it. Then when I found it I was looking for something I could put it in so it wouldn't get wet. She kept screaming, "get out! get out!" I shouted back, "I need my purse! My insulin is in it!" So I finally got my bag and jumped and slide down into the water. When I hit the water I made sure to hold my bag above my head so it wouldn't get wet. We swam to shore. All three of us. Then I woke up.

Even in my dreams I have diabetes. I guess there is no escaping.

In the news...

This is a rather good [although quick] "day in the life" of someone like us with type 1. Her name is Dominique and still in the honeymoon phase. Oh how I miss the honeymoon phase...

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/11/13/a-day-in-the-life-of-type-1-diabetes/

It's good that we're finally getting a little more attention. Although, it's probably just due to the fact that it's National Diabetes Awareness Month or whatever bull shis they made up to make us feel appreciated... kind of like Boss's Day or Valentine's Day. The only other things I've seen in the media are ads at CVS for diabetes supplies for like ketone strips and glucotabs [watermellon is my new favorite]... But I could be wrong there may be more stuff circulating out there... I don't watch TV so maybe there have been some fantabulous stories. Please send me a link if there are...
However, I am very happy about World Diabetes Day. Global attention... that's what we need!

Spread the word. Tell your friends. Celebrate life!

I am

I am a citizen of the United States of America. I am a civilian, not a soldier. I am a 20-something woman, a student, a daughter, a sister, a best friend. I am employed and well-educated and living with a chronic condition.
And you? You couldn't care less.
Except I have a feeling we are not so different. We are worried about the future. The future of our economy, our planet, our health. Since moving to Florida, I have had a very difficult time finding a job so I've had to settle for a job in a restaurant. However, the restaurant industry is not what it used to be with the economy and all... It fits my school schedule and right now that's what is most important. What about after I graduate and am in debt up to my eyeballs with an impeccable piece of paper that says I've Mastered the field of Public Health. Will there be a job for me doing something I actually want to do? That is the American Dream isn't it? To be the person we most dream to be? I have a dream....
Change is never easy. I can attest to that. I've lived in 5 states, 4 of which have been in the last 3 years. Starting over each time. New friends. New faces. New places to get lost. Change. It is never easy but it is inevitable. At some point in our lives we will have to accept it and embrace it. Barack Obama is "change" personified. He is the epitome of the America we used to dream of.
With the two very different presidential candidates, we have the potential for two very different Americas... two very different futures. Imagine those two Americas.
Which one do you want to live in?
Because once we make our choice we cannot go back and erase it.
I believe Obama has the ability to steer our country in the right direction. A direction worthy of its citizens. We deserve better, happier, prosperous lives. If we were voting for who should be the next Army General or Secretary of Defense my vote would be for McCain. Hands down. He's the most qualified man for the job. However, we're not. We're voting for the next President of the United States of America. There are greater issues than the war we are currently engulfed in, thanks to the current regime. McCain would lead our troops excellently. As Commander in Chief, yes that would be ONE of his jobs. But America has issues here on American soil that have not been addressed properly in the last eight years. That needs to change and I most agree with Obama's plans. I'm voting for change. Not just change we can believe in but a change I need to believe in. Freedom. Health insurance. Financial stability. Peace. Education for all. Liberty. Freedom of speech. A vibrant place to raise a family. Health care. The basic human rights our country was founded on that seem to have been lost along the way. I'm voting for change and I hope you do too.
And in a nutshell, that is my opinion. Obama has my vote.

But whatever your choice, just vote. At least that hasn't been taken away... yet.

I hope...

I hope this is just some kind of stress side effect or from working out... I hope that there's nothing [else] wrong with me... I hope I know what to do if there is...
I've been somewhat of a hypochondriac for more than awhile and it's kicking in big time right now. Lately my shoulders have been bothering me, like I can't rest/sleep on one side for very long or my arms get weak or tingly or fall asleep. But now, like as I'm writing this, my shoulders feel tired. Could it be from poor circulation? Because I know I have poor circulation, my hands are always cold. Maybe I'm overreacting - anticipating some diabetes complication to kick in. Like my eye sight has changed... again and I have an astigmatism. Is is because I have diabetes or is it just a natural thing that happens? Aging and whatnot? I also just noticed I have red marks on my pinkies... After eight years of this I hadn't really thought about complications, just recently have I begun to contemplate the future, my life in 8, 18 or even 38 years from now... it freaks me out to think of these things. It is, however, a reality of living with diabetes.
What's next? ...

Google Doodle!

Say that 5 times fast HA! google doodle google dodle goodle doogle doogle google godle dogle I can't even type it correct lol anywho... so you know those creative kids over at Google are always coming up with different designs for the word "Google" when you go to their search engine page, right? Usually it's around holidays or for the Olympics and what-have-you. However, Manny and friends over at TuDiabetes.com have come up with the brilliant idea of making a doodle for World Diabetes Day, which ::ahem:: if you didn't know is Novemeber 14th. So follow this link www.diabetesdoodle.com to the petition and sign sign sign away! After signing there's an OPTIONAL donation button to donate to the good people who design these nifty petitions. Again it is optional you are free to just close the browser and your name will be signed along the dotted line just like mine was.
Also, please feel free to copy and paste the letter below and spam your friends so they can all sign it too! Let's make this thing happen people!! Get to it!!!

google doodle goodle goodel doogle google doodle dogle google
__________________________________________________________________
Announcement: Diabetes Doodle for Google-----

Hello Diabetes Supporters,
The founders of TuDiabetes.com and DiabetesDaily.com have teamed up with a mission of getting a diabetes doodle on Google in honor of World Diabetes Day on November 14.
What's a doodle you say? It's those fun Google logos that you sometimes see, especially around the holidays.
There is a petition circulating right now and we need 20,000 signatures by November 1. Sign the petition at www.diabetesdoodle.com.This Cause has more than 45,000 signatures, so if you support diabetes awareness, please sign the petition. Millions of people will see the doodle on November 14 for World Diabetes Day. Make your voice heard!

What kind of what??

Searching through my insurance providers list of endos I come across the Univ. of Miami Diabetes Research Institute. Awesome! I think as I begin to dial the number. These are people who will get me and understand what I need in an endo. Perfect.
::ring riiiing:: of course it's an automated message telling me to please hold...
still holding... listening to the great elevator soundtrack of 1968... stillll holding. Oh someone finally picks up and asks me to keep holding. Ok... continue holding.

Receptionist: (obviously annoyed and disgruntled) Hello how can I help you?
Me: (trying to be as cheery as possibly to the obviously annoyed lady of the other end) Hi! I'd like to make an appointment.
Lady: Ok. What problem are you having??
Me: umm... well I have type 1 diabetes.
Lady: Ok. Are you a new patient?
Me: Yes, I just moved here and I'm looking for a new endocrinologist.
Lady: Ok. What type of diabetics do you have?
Me: ::pause:: (what type of diabetics??) umm... I uh have type 1 diabetes.
Lady: Ok. the next appointment we have available is January 28th.
Me: Oh wow geez that's a long time away but ok. Is there any way I could get some lab works done before I see the new endo? You know so she has something to look at?
Lady: Ok well I'll have to transfer you to the office to see if they can do that. Hold please...
holding.... for about 5 minutes....
Lady: Hi hold on ok?
Me: yeah sure.
Lady: and if there are any cancellations before that appointment we'll give you a call.
Me: Ok thanks I appreciate that.
holding some more...

New Receptionist: (less annoyed than the first receptionist) Hello. How can I help you?
Me: Well I was wondering if I could get some papers sent to my house so I can get some bloodwork done before my appointment.
New Lady: Are you a new patient?
Me: Yes, It'd be the first time seeing this doctor.
New Lady: Well then no. Your doctor has to see you first before writing any prescriptions.
Me: I don't need new prescriptions I already have diabetes. I just want to get my A1c done before I see the doctor.
New Lady: You have to see the doctor before she can write new prescriptions.
Me: Ok. Maybe you didn't hear me correctly. I don't need new prescriptions, I just would like to get some bloodwork done.
New Lady: That's not possible. You have to see the doctor first. Have your old doctor's office send in your files.
Me: Fine.

I gave in. I think that is ridiculous. I want to know what my A1c is now. It was horrible the last time and I've been working on getting it lower and I want to know if my hard work has been "paying off". However, I must admit, eventhough I probably shouldn't... I think the A1c is kind of dumb. It's an average right? So if it is just an average then the average of really high numbers and really low numbers is a pretty awesome number. Right? So, the average of moderate numbers and then a few high numbers is a higher number than the real ones. Catch my drift? I don't think it's a real indicator of how we're really taking care of ourselves. Maybe you disagree. It's just my opinion...

Sit back, relax and enjoy the show.

What the #@*^?!?!?!

So this morning around 7, I wake up because I feel low... so I stumble out of bed... grab a glass from the cabinet and open the fridge to grab the carton of juice. ::shake shake:: pour myself a glass and take a sip... what the?!?! this juice tastes like... soy milk. It took me a minute to realize that I was, in fact, drinking soy milk and not juice so decided I should actually have some juice because soy milk won't work fast enough. Pull out another glass, take out the actual carton of juice ::shake shake:: pour. As I'm drinking I remember what people used to say about mixing orange juice and milk... ever heard that? Supposedly if you drink milk and oj you'll throw up. So with the theory in the back of my mind I'm wondering if I'll start gaging any second now... but no. Apparently it isn't true for soy milk and pineapple/orange/banana juice combo... just so you know. But it was a weird sensation to say the least.

Good way to start off your day.

Happy Saturday!

Hook me up

Feending...
I got a craving... I think I need the patch....

http://www.saic.com/feature/health/diabetes-patch.html

This sounds pretty freaking cool. I'm all about noninvasive technology [D-related or otherwise] and this sounds amazingly close to that! However, I have a strong aversion to things that are sticky. I think that's one of many reasons I hated the pump. The little stickers [I even hate the word ::shiver:: sticker ::shiver::] never stuck! If it can stay in place, not hurt too much and do it's freakin job then hey, sign me up. I like new toys. Could be fun... in a weird it's fun and diabetes related technology kinda way... I'm interested to see this on the market. I mean like a cure or something would be rockin' but whatevs... Just make my life a little easier and I'll be happy! My first endo still has 2 years until he's completely wrong and I will forever call him a lier... [not a direct quote but almost] "they almost have the human genome project figured out and after that it'll be 5 - 10 years and there will be a cure for diabetes!" You've got 2 years mister... let's see what happens first a cure or the patch is gracing the gluteous maximus of everyone with diabetes...

Never give up.

Slipping

I'm slipping.
Maybe


even


falling.
Not sure when it started... but I think I've finally caught myself... maybe... I just uploaded my Freestyle Flash meter into the Co-Pilot program so I can track what I'm doing... Apparently I haven't been doing much testing. I've only an average of 3.4 checks per day in the last month. Not good when trying to "control" my bs. And my Tuesday AM average is waaaay higher than it ever should be and Saturday averages are practically non-existent. Also, when I went back to DC in August I was supposed to go visit my endo. Did I? Nope. I slept til 11 because I didn't get to sleep til 6... but I did manage to wake up for enough time to cancel said appointment. I need an endo in Miami. Any suggestions? ::sigh::















Time to get back on the ball.

Things I...

This will be a random, possibly continuing post of things I hate about diabetes...

One main reason why I hate diabetes is....

having to get out of bed to check my bs because I know I'm low, then going to the kitchen to get juice, then not being able to fall asleep again and it's way to early in the morning to actually be awake...

I hate that.

Now here's something pretty to look at ;)

A beautiful sunset from outside my balcony... the picture does it no justice...

There are times when I don't think I can take it anymore, then there are moments like this one and everything is wonderful again, early AM low blood sugars and all.

Don't forget to look up.

Mind Games

Woah! Time has FLOWN by!! It's already been a month since my great adventure to Miami. Things are going very well. I still love Miami and I still hate Miami traffic/drivers. Monday was my first day of class. I have 3 classes. All at night, for 2.5 hours. Not bad... I get to enjoy the beautiful, sunny Miami days and then go to class at night. Works out perfectly. For whatever reason, my bs has been horrible today. Haven't had a number starting with a 1 all freaking day before class i was over 300. Not a great way to start class... but it's corrected now FINALLY but I also just injested way too many carbs... but hopefully tomorrow I'll be back to normal... whatever that is. My 3 classes are: Intro. to Environmental Health, Community Organization for Health Promotion and Intro. to Epidemiology.
Oh! and ps I got a scholarship for half my tuition this year!!! Amazing news for my bank account :)
Ok that's all I have left for tonight. I'm going to watch a movie and crash.

Hasta luego.

Just Breezy

I have now been in beautiful Miami for a whole week. I'm having mixed emotions but mainly just loving life in such an interesting city. I have been exploring [sometimes unintentionally] the many different sections of South Florida [So Flo for you hipsters out there] but nothing is very far from my new casita. My absolute favorite thing is to drive over the bridges at night coming back from South Beach and seeing all of the buildings and other bridges lit up. It's breath-taking and always brings a smile to my face. By sheer chance I have a friend who moved to South Beach about a month ago from Ecuador. We met in Quito at Campo Amigo about 3 years ago now and it is so amazing to have such an amazing person with you on this crazy journey we both seem to be on through Miami life. AND to top it off he has diabetes too. I love being with other people who are type 1 too. haha Call me crazy but it's comforting... great to have someone who "gets it". I definitely cannot complain about anything at the moment. My dad also has a theory that the happier you are the better your numbers will be... so far it's working ;) Just a few highs in the past week and a couple lows but other than that things could not be better. Still need to get back to my workout routine. My workout for the past few days has been carrying and unpacking boxes...

Super excited to start school again too. Classes start on Aug 25 but I'm heading back to DC for a week to celebrate my bday aaaand go to the DC Salsa Congress. Can't wait!!!!!!

Life is good.

[I took the foto on North Beach on a tranquil Wednesday afternoon ::sigh::]

Rooooadtrippppp

I am officially on the road. All by myself. I left Maryland at 1pm today and made it to Raleigh, NC by 8ish. So I checked into a Holiday Inn and set my wake up call. I'll be out of the hotel by 9am and back on the road south. I-95 all the way down to Miami. The air in NC is amazing. So fresh! I love it :) I'm really excited to see SC and GA [other than ATL because I've been there a few times...]
My numbers have been great so far. No highs, no lows, just great. Which makes the trip soooo much easier!! I stopped for a late lunch early dinner at Shoney's. Salad bar and mash potatoes... an odd craving but exactly what I wanted! mmmmm
Ok. It is bedtime. Gotta get my rest before the drive!

keep on truckin.

The Countdown

It's the final countdooownnnnn!!
Whenever I hear that song... or that phrase for that matter... I always transform back to my highschool marching band days and I'm suddenly roll stepping down Veterans Blvd in Metairie, LA or on a football field... flute in hand for some parade or football game playing "it's the final countdown" dududu duuu dudududu duuu. Those are the only words I know but the melody is stuck like cement glue to my brain.
So it's not officially the FINAL countdown [per se] but I am counting down!! 9 days until my last day at work whoop whoop!!! That's such a fun countdown, more so than counting til the last day of class in my mind. Maybe because I'll be back in a classroom before I know it. And I cannot wait!!!!!!! I love being on a campus. Any campus probably. It's so exciting there's always so much energy, even if everyone has been up til 5am, studying or participating in debauchery. ::sigh:: college life. Classes start on August 25. Five days after I start my quarter life crisis.
Still trying to figure out a move date, but it probably won't be long after my last day at work.
Diabetes is in constant flux. Still trying to figure out why. So goes a day in the life of...


A Dieu.

Sunday blood sunday

I love Sundays. I think they're great. The most relaxed day of the week in my mind. Just wake up lazy and fiddle around the house. Today is my dad's birthday but he's busy hiking the Appalachian Trail... yeah that's just how he is. So last night we went to a cute little Italian place in Georgetown called Paolo's to celebrate the life of my dad. The eggplant is delicious! And I had spaghetti arrabiata with chicken. I haven't had spaghetti in I don't remember how long. So yummy and perfectly spicy and mmm my mouth is watering just thinking about it. Highly recommended if you're in the area. It's near M and 31st.
Started doing a countdown of sorts for my move to hot hot hot MIA. Well roughly. I haven't set an exact date. Maybe that's why I feel so stressed and out of wack lately... arg... But it will definitely be sometime in July to give me enough time to adjust to my new locale and get enough beach time [haha like that's possible!] before school starts and I'm hitting the books again. so. freaking. excited. Today I'm going furniture browsing after I get my workout in. Hopefully I'll find somethings to make my new apartment feel like home.

To the land of sand.

woah!

a la joey lawrence. woah!!
ok. so I knew I hadn't blogged in awhile but I didn't think it's been this long! sooo quick life update (for those of yall thinking wtf where is she!? haha):
1. I went down to Miami to check out my future school! and apartments and I found a potentially amazing place :) I'm very excited about starting a new chapter in the book of Jules.
2. My numbers have been high like everyday just about for the past few days and I'm not sure why. It's possible that I'm using expired Novolog. How long is it good after the exp. date??
3. Work isn't bad at all. I really enjoy a few people in my office which makes any situation better. I traded books with one called Confessions of and Economic Hitman. It's mind blowing. Check it out if you get a chance.
4. Workouts are continuing. I've been trying to kick it up a notch with classes like Step and Club Strength a couple days a week but eating cookies all day doesn't help. AT ALL. Hmm maybe that's my solution to update #2.
5. Went to Wolftrap with the fam the other weekend for Louisiana day! We had such a great time and we really felt like we were back in NOLA because it was about 97 degrees that day!! hot-hot-hot!!!
6. Life is great.

::ahem:: me me me me meeeee

The meme...

The rules are that you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end choose 6 people to be tagged, list their names and why you tagged them. Don't forget to leave them a comment saying ('You're It!') and to go read your blog. You can not tag the person that tagged you, so, since you can't tag me back let me know when you are done so that I can go read YOUR blog answers.

drum roll please...

10. I hate anything sticky, especially saran wrap and tape.

9. I have lived in four states, five cities and nine different houses/apts. and counting...

8. My favorite color is green because it's the color of my eyes and trees.

7. I want to be Samantha Brown... or to get paid to travel and write about it!

6. Even though I'm from Louisiana, I hate seafood... with the exception of crab cakes and crawfish bread.

5. I absoutely love quotes and find new ones everyday. I have a long list saved in my email "draft" box.

4. I prefer to only read non-fiction because I don't think we can ever learn enough about ourselves, each other and the world... and I think I do a pretty good job of making up my own stories and don't need to read anyone else's.

3. I believe in the good of mankind... no matter how many times I have been seriously disappointed.

2. I refused to eat salads until I was in high school because I found it repulsive now I eat them everyday.

1. I thought Mardi Gras was a national holiday until I went to college. Now I'm glad it's not though because it's something unique to my favorite place in the whole world.

I tag YOU! Anyone who hasn't played yet :)

incoherant

i think i have peanut butter in my eye. my hands are sticky with apple juice. what time is it?? i'm sweating. and shaking. and and tense.....
as i write this i'm coming out of a low. a low i haven't felt in a long time... i'm 42. but this didn't feel like a 42 i've had before. i woke up sweat puddled on my face and i could feel it about to drip down my back. must wake up i thought. i knew i was (am) low i just couldn't make myself wake up i don't know how long ago that was... i fell back asleep... woke up again... julie you're low. test. go get some juice. ok ok. this felt like a low to where i would need an assistant juice getter-er but then i had thoughts racing through my head about being independent and no i can do this! so then i decided that since i was thinking these strange random thoughts i did indeed not need assistance and went downstairs. open the cabinet get a large glass fill it to the brim with grape juice. then i also conclude i need an apple and some peanut butter. why not...
as i sat and drank my grape juice and slathered peanut butter over my apple (not really sure how i still have my fingers after cutting it... low and shaking...) i could literally feel my blood sugar rising...
The sweat stopped sweating. My hands were still shaking but returned to a steadier normal non-shaking state. My thoughts were still strange but less so than before. Oddly, I started thinking of titles and what I would write in this blog. Hm... maybe I need to go test again... yeah... I do...
Must go wash sticky low induded applepeanutbuttergrapejuice fingers.

happy thursday.

sorry if blog makes little sense... the title should be enough of a warning....

Only floss the ones you want to keep

I try not to dwell on things that make me sad, on things I cannot change, on things that depress me or make me think life sucks. I'm not that kind of person. Generally. I'm dwelling. Right now, whole lot of dwelling goin on. Oh yeah. Major dwell-age. Normally, I don't let the big D drag me down. But at the moment, I'm in a poorly lit back ally and it's beating the crap outta me... we're having a knock down all out knife fightin brawl a la West Side Story. I've got the stab wounds to prove it... Can I please say "uncle" and crawl into bed and sleep it off for a bit? Me rindo!!

I'm all about diabetes empowerment and being "stronger than diabetes" and the whole bit. This week, man, this week has just got me backed into a mental corner, unable to escape my own thoughts about how much I hate living this way. This is not me... this is not my style. Diabetes usually doesn't bother me this much. I've accepted it long ago and even come to derive joy from it's idiosyncrasies. Hopefully by next week I'll feel more like myself and not the major failure, whining child that I so desperately want to embrace. For the rest this week, however, I am unable. Unable to stop the thoughts, the mental hate mail addressed to my pancreas.

Yours truly.

p.s. I love you.

Enough!!!

I haven't wanted to blog lately. I haven't wanted to do much of anything lately, especially diabetes related. But I'm forcing myself because I know it will make me feel better... I don't know if it will make you feel better but it will... should... make me feel better...
I've had enough of this and I want out. I want off the ride I'm not having fun anymore! I just want it to be over and done with so I... and you and we and everyone with diabetes can be done! forever! I'm tired. It's the kind of tired that you struggle to... keep.. your... eyes... open...
but it's my entire body. My brain wants to shut off, for a day maybe, reboot, power down, relax, rest. To stop. Stop counting and remembering and checking and corrections and carbs and insulin and checking and..... It's constant and I'm tired. So tired.
Monday I had my 3 month follow up endo appointment with Dr. J and got my bloodwork back. My A1c went up. Again. I don't know how. I don't know why. I feel like I've been trying so hard and working out and eating well and nothing, to no avail. I feel like I'm failing myself. It's so frustrating and I just want to stop. I haven't felt this way in a long time because I thought I was doing so well and caring for myself. It's so hard... it used to be so simple. As time goes by it seems to be getting more and more difficult to understand why I can't be "in range" all the freaking time. I thought I knew what I was doing. Have I just been fooling myself? Dr. J says all my other organs are "perfect". Perfect? I don't even know what that means. There is nothing perfect about me. Today I was low 3 times. During the third time I also had a migraine and didn't want to move. I didn't care I was low, I didn't want to eat anything, I just wanted to sit there and will myself to get higher but I also knew that wouldn't happen so I reached in my purse and ate some glucotabs. I didn't care. I just didn't want to have my first seizure at work. How can I stop caring? I'm just so tired and frustrated. Have I said that enough yet?
I look around and see people living their lives. Thinking they have all these worries and problems, living perfectly healthy lives. It makes me laugh and think what do they know about worries. They obviously haven't had a day in the life of a chronic condition. Chronic. That word is so powerful.
Dr. J thinks splitting my Lantus dose will help lower my numbers more. So now I'm taking 10 units twice per day, 12 hours apart. It seems to be working well. Despite the few lows I had today, I've only been high a few times also, everything else has been... decent. I'm going to upload my meter tomorrow and study the graphs and stats and averages. I'm determined to have a graph that looks like the ones I used to have right after I was diagnosed and my endo at Children's in New Orleans would upload my meter and just smile and say how much he loves patients like me. Amazing. Almost always in range. A high here, a low there but great.
I am determined.
I will continue. This is not a battle, I'm not fighting. I'm living my life... trying to work out the kinks. But, I'm frustrated and want to cry and I think I should go to bed. It's been a long day. It's thundering now. I love when it rains at night.

Looking forward.

These boots...

...were made for walkin and that's just what I'll do!!

Ok maybe not in boots... but you get the point.

Tomorrow is the big JDRF DC Chapter, Walk for a Cure. I raised my goal and am super excited about that and it only took a few days! Thanks again to everyone who donated, your kindness is greatly appreciated :) It's amazing the things we can do when we do it together!! Like AYUDA says, Juntos somos mas fuertes!!

The walk starts at the National Mall with the beautiful monuments as a back drop for the 5K. I'll probably get there around 9:30 with the 'rents so they can register... and the walk starts around 10. This is my first walk and I can't wait. Knowing myself as well as I do though... I'll probably get all emotional and start crying.... I'll have to remember to put a tissue in with some glucotabs... and water... and sunscreen...

Keep an eye out for me and come say hi if you recognize me... I'll be wearing an AYUDA t-shirt and shorts so my Casperthefriendlyghost legs can get some color.
On another note. Today, I went to the EU Open House of the Embassies here in DC. My favorites were Portugal, Bulgaria and Latvia. Ireland was highly disappointing and Luxembourg is hardly worth mentioning. Bulgaria really got into it, as I think they all should have. Really showed off their culture with people dancing in traditional garb in the street and upon entering there was a table with Bulgaria wine and apps. Yall should know by know I love wine. Portugal was also very interesting. They showed a quick film about Portugal... enticing me to want to catch the next flight out... and the Ambassador was actually there, shook his hand and listened to him speak briefly and learned that he really likes pens.... I even won a t-shirt. They also had a delicious Portugese port wine and a special pastry cake thing. Latvia was neat because the embassy itself is obviously very old and I love creaky old wood floors... it was decorated in a very gothic style with great art throughout. If you're in the area when they do this next year I would highly recommend visiting those embassies. Next weekend some others are open so maybe I check them out too... who knows... we shall see.

Well... time to rest up hope to see you in the AM!!

Walk On.

I'm Cured!!

I totally didn't have diabetes yesterday. It was awesome. Racking up 70s and 90s ALL day not one number that didn't start with a 7 or a 9. This morning, I'm sittin' pretty at 105. Yeah, Baby! I like ::borat voice::. My dad said it must have been the wine tasting. Who knew... all I have to do is drink... er taste... 20 different kinds of wine and ::BAM:: I am cured.
Ok maybe not. I still had to take insulin.... blah blah blah... whatever! Let me bask in my fabulous non-diabetes diabetes glory!! ::muahahahahahaha::
Hopefully it continues today! I have another endo appointment on Cinco de Mayo. This time I'll be ready. I got bloodwork done the other day on my lunch break so it should be in by tomorrow [so they say]. AND I finally figured out why I couldn't upload my meter to the Co-Pilot program to get all the readings on my meter onto nifty little statistical charts and such. Dr. J will be soooo impressed............

To a wonderful Thursday!

PS Ugly Betty's on tonight!! It's definitely my favorite show. ever.

Tuesday---Tonite!!

FYI for anyone in the DC area and of legal age... the JDRF is hosting a wine tasting at Occidental Restaurant ... 1475 Pennsylvania Ave NW, WDC 20004. It's goes from 6-9 and costs $35. $10 will go toward the JDRF and I'm guessing the other $25 is for the yummy French and Spanish wines and apps being served :) There will also be the wine producers to talk about their yummy wines... if anyone cares.......
I'm going after work soooo maybe I'll see yall there!!
xo

ok update time...

Went with my parents which is always fun [and no i'm not being sarcastic!] We laughed at each other for a few hours, ate some cheese and truffle puffs and some biscuit things that tasted like goldfish crackers, drank... a lot.... it was great. There were about 22 different wines to try from France and Spain. I had about 20 of the 22... I don't know how I'm writing this right now honestly. And yes, I took the metro home.
::public service announcement:: Drinking and driving is bad kids don't do it.
Had some ah-mazing wines four of which I would very much like to purchase for future consumption... as well as one hotty hot hottie french guy... oh well I guess I'll just have the wine. I did run up an leave my email on the sign in sheet. Hey you never know what could happen, right? Ok a girl can dream.

Still buzzing.....

Bonsoir.

oh! ps: This coming Sunday [May 4th] I'm doing the JDRF walk to cure diabetes, starting at the National Mall. Are you?? It'd be great to finally meet some of yall :) or if you can't walk please donate!
I'll probably be wearing an AYUDA t-shirt so be on the look out!

Quick Life Updates

I'm sick. Again! What is this!!?? It's like payback for all the times in the last few years [pre-east coast living] that I didn't get sick. Blah. It's mainly in my throat. It's sore and scrathy and runny all at the same time. Gross. Other than that I don't feel so bad but I definitely need to get back in the gym because I've taken time off to try to recover but that hasn't helped so I figure I should just go anyway. I got up to 370 on Tuesday. Tuesday sucked. Took me forever to get down and then I got to 80 and felt like ca-ca. Stupid sickness rollercoaster highs and lows.
Today I'm feeling better numbers have been decent but I've been going crazy everytime I see chocolate [ladies understand] so I'm skipping dinner to "make up for it". Sooooo excited tomorrow's Friday. And the weather is supposed to be another gorgeous day... in the 80s even!Have plans in the works for the weekend. One of which is on Sunday for an Earth Day Celebration at the National Mall! Fun!! If anyone's around maybe I'll see you there :)
I still miss my Bitsy. I keep finding her fur around the house, on my clothes, on the floor, everywhere! It seems like she's still around even though I know she's gone. Life can change so quickly.
More changes still..... for instance, I've decided to move. Again!! I got accepted into the Master's program I wanted :) But this time... back south. Way south.... Miami!!
I'm going to FIU for my MPH [master's in public health]. Super excited. Nervous. Happy. Ready. Anxious. I'll be homesick the day after I get there I know it. But I'm sure I'll find something to do before school starts. I'm going down in July. School starts 25 August. YAY!!!

like the wind.

These last few days....

So a lot has been going on lately....

Last weekend I went back to New Orleans to surprise my friends for their 25th birthday!! We had an amazing weekend together. We went out to Bourbon Street, of course. The best place to go to celebrate birthdays in New Orleans :) Pat O's [see picture on left of birthday girl holding the famous Hurricane] was our first stop then a random club where we danced all night. When we decided we had enough it was POURING rain. We tried to run back to the hotel we were staying at but got lost... we were slightly... uh... disoriented... and finally hailed a cab to take us the 3 blocks away the hotel apparently was... oh well... Got back safe, sound and soaking wet.

I hadn't been back to New Orleans since last June for a friend's wedding... man, I miss New Orleans. Such a wonderful city. Full of life and love and hope and comfort. The people, the food, the music. No matter where I live in this crazy world it will always be home. Saturday and Sunday there were festivals going on [Ferret Street Fest and Latin Fest] so my friends and I happily went and enjoyed awesome music -- Kermit Ruffins, the Sleeping Giant and other great local groups -- and gor-ge-ous 75 degree weather. AND Diabetes behaved itself rather well... which was made the weekend even more lovely. It's so hard to say goodbye to those you love......

I returned back to Maryland on Monday night with a heavy heart for multiple reasons. Leaving my best friends I've known since middle school [and before...] and my kitty, Bisty, died while I was away. Bitsy was the best, most loving kitty. She was 19 years old and had a very happy life and lived with me every state I moved to. But she was getting very sick in the days leading up to my departure to New Orleans. It was so hard to leave her because I knew in my heart it was the end. She could no longer hang on. I miss her so much. I was waiting last night for her to jump on my bed and purr next to my ear or sleep curled up at my feet. She was part of my life for 19 years and getting used to having her not here is very hard. I miss her. I miss petting her. I miss her comforting me when I'm sad... and now... she's not here for me to cuddle up with. It would be selfish of me to have her hang on longer than she wanted. She faithfully listened to my stories for 19 years. She would yell at me when I sang or had the music too loud. She would rub my leg when I was sad. She loved me unconditionally for 19 years, as I still do. 19 years is a long time especially since I only have 24. It was her time. But still... I miss her. My heart is heavy and empty at the same time. I miss her.

RIP Bitsy. I love you.

How? Why!?

[updated] I found this story through Donna. It makes me sick. How, in this day in age, would ANYONE think that this poor child would have been ok without medical intervention. How did her teachers, her neighbors, her friends' parents, not realize that she was deteriorating in front of their eyes!? [ok found out she was home-schooled that explains why no authorities stepped in] But seriously. Thinking that by praying she would miraculously recover? She must have been absolutely miserable. After a few hours without insulin I know I am... for at least a month she had to go through that while her parents prayed. There is no excuse for this. None. From what I understand her siblings were taken away from the parents. Good. They should not be near children. When I read the story last night it seemed like she was diagnosed many years ago and hadn't received insulin since so my original assumption was wrong but I still believe those people should be put in jail and sentenced to the FULLEST extend of the law. Negligent homicide. I pray I never meet anyone like this...

Here's the Nancy Grace, CNN side of the story as well.

Untreated diabetes kills girl

Parents choose prayer instead of medical care

Gannett Wisconsin Media

TOWN OF WESTON -- The parents of an 11-year-old girl who died Sunday from an untreated form of diabetes prayed for the girl's health rather than seek medical intervention, police said.

According to police, Madeline Kara Neumann of the town of Weston died of diabetic ketoacidosis, a condition that develops when a person's body has too little insulin. She reportedly had not received medical treatment since she was 3 years old, said Everest Metro Police Chief Dan Vergin, whose department is investigating.

The girl's parents, Dale and Leilani Neumann, were unaware their daughter's recent illness was caused by diabetic ketoacidosis, Vergin said. Although the family has no ties to a specific church or religion, he said, they prayed for her and then attributed her death to them apparently not having enough faith.

"It is our understanding that instead of seeking medical help, they chose to pray over her and their faith would heal her," Vergin said.

Madeline Neumann's aunt from California contacted the Police Department out of concerns about the girl's health and asked police to check on her niece, Vergin said. The girl, who went by her middle name, Kara, was taken by ambulance from the family's home on Maplewood Drive to Saint Clare's Hospital in Weston, where she was pronounced dead.

Marathon County Medical Examiner John Larson said diabetic ketoacidosis prevents the body from absorbing nutrients. The girl appeared abnormally lean, and Larson said her body was wasting away.

Kathy Ziembo, an advanced practice registered nurse at Aspirus Wausau Hospital, said the condition is treatable and that the hospital treats several cases of it a week.

Symptoms include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, excessive thirst and fatigue.

"You know if there is something wrong," Ziembo said.

A shortage of insulin causes the body to break down fat, a process that produces toxic acids known as ketones. Treatment generally takes a few days in the hospital, as patients receive insulin intravenously to replace lost fluids.

Neumann's death will be investigated further, and the findings will be forwarded to the Marathon County district attorney's office to determine if any crime was committed, Vergin said.

Police have not had previous contact with her family, he said.

The girl's mother, Leilani Neumann, is co-owner of Monkey Mo Coffee To Go in Weston. A sign posted Tuesday on the shop's front door read, "Closed due to family emergency."

The Neumanns could not be reached for comment.
___________________________________________________________

and please don't take insulin intravenously. that's just not right in any way... the article should have said saline solution not insulin...

Praying for strength.

Um yeah...

Have you ever seen Office Space? It's freaking hilarious. I could watch it a million times over and still laugh out loud each time. Well, I feel like I'm in that movie in my new office. There's the girl who stresses too much about everything... today... "oh my god! emergency!!! we need picture frames for the the congress in florida by tomorrow but the ones i found cost $90 i need everybody looking online for picture frames". But then I offered my advice to her she totally ignored me. Whatever. I wanted to say calm the f*&@ down! Geez. You stressing makes me stress and I do not like to stress. Then we have a notoriously retarded copy machine that I think would be thrown out the window had it not weighed about 5928 lbs. Someone is bound to bring a baseball bat and murder it in the Japanese- American Memorial Park next door. Then there are the memos. Lord, please help me. If these people do not stop asking about memos and getting memos signed and sending out memos I think I'll either die of histerical laughter or throw the fax machine at them. Possibly both. And the guy in the cubby hole next to me keeps asking girlthatstressesouttoomuch why she doesn't have any flair. I don't know why but it makes me giggle out loud every time. When did this become my daily life??

On a diabetes note though, my numbers have been behaving nicely... minus Easter Sunday and a little bit on Monday most likely due to weekend festivies. Oh and Saturday was crazy too... I woke up at 38! Then shot up to 300-something. I felt like ca-ca the entire day. I think I'm back in working order though.

Wohoo it's almost the middle of the week :)

Happy Wednesday!

Dom Portwood: Hi, Peter. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.

Peter Gibbons: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.

Dom Portwood: Yeah. Did you get that memo?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even really a problem anymore. Dom Portwood: Ah! Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!

Tag!

Six word memoir --

Naomi tagged me to do the six word memoir!

Here are the rules:1) Write your own six word memoir; 2) Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like; 3) Link to the person that tagged you in your post, and to the original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere; 4) Tag at least five more blogs with links; and 5) Don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

quiet adventurous spirit. gypsy. just breathe.

I tag: Allison, Rich, Alissa W, Brooke R and Ali L even though the last three of yall don't have blogs haha I still want to know!!

TAG YOU'RE IT!!!!!!

xoxo

jules

Just another day

"Write it in your heart that every day is the best day of the year" [emerson]

Today is my eigth year anniversary. I was diagnosed 2920 days ago but I definitely did not think that everyone of those days was the best day of the year. Times have changed and so have I and now I can do nothing but believe that each day is wonderful, even when it's not. I have an amazingly supportive family and great friends who I know will always be there when I need them. Diabetes was just another blessing in disguise. It takes time to realize and I finally did a few years ago. I'll never know if I would be the strong woman I am becoming without diabetes but part of me is glad to not know. I get angry and frustrated and want to scream and cry because of it but it will never break me.

When I was diagnosed the doctors told us that they were coming so close to a cure that it would probably happen in the "next five or ten years!". Well it's been eight but I'm in no hurry. I could be nice to not constantly check my blood sugar or carry around needles and tiny glass bottles but c'est la vie. Until there is a cure, if in my lifetime, I will live each day as is it the best day of the year.

My parents gave me a card with the Emerson quote on it and it couldn't have been more perfect. Well now I'm off to celebrate my day. I'm getting a massage ;) and probably doing some retail therapy.

To a wonderful day.

To whom it may concern:

Dear loyal readers [all 2 of you],
Sorry, I haven't updated my life details recently. I got a new job assignment and I can no longer access my email or other fun things online, during business hours, that used to keep me quite entertained throughout the day. They actually expect me to work! The nerve...
When I get home after work and working out and checking my emails, I will try my best to post something exciting that has happened...
Yours truly,
jules

Goodbye Ciao Adios

After doing lots of thinking [too much probably] I've decided to change where I'm working. There was a lot of unnecessary drama starting in the office [I'll spare the details...] so I've made up my mind to leave it all behind. The friendly co-workers and I will exchange emails and keep in touch, I'm sure. Drama stresses me out and I don't like to feel stressed out so my job hunt is in the process and I have a few leads but I know I'll land firmly on my feet. I won't settle for anything less than what makes me happy. Being where I'm working now [for the last day today!] has been enjoyable until recently. The people were awesome and I got to learn about something I'd never even thought about before! So it was a great experience, all in all. But alas, the time has come for us to part ways. On to a new adventure! This is definitely what I call living in the moment.

To Be Continued...

So since my last post I've been reading "A New Earth" like it's going out of style. I'm on page 227 and have a new matra.... "this, too, shall pass"... everything. Time is fleeting and all we have to do is enjoy it. Pains arise, happiness comes and goes but it all will "pass". Even though [for now] diabetes is not passing, it is a daily, non-stop, part of who we are, there are many levels in which we can allow diabetes to control this life we live. I accept it into my life. For awhile I fought it, only had malicious thoughts about it, wanting nothing more than to not be a part of it. Then one day, I realized how silly that is. It is a part of me, inherent in my being and I must accept this as a tiny bit of who I am. Maybe it was part of the grieving process and I've finally made it the 12th step or whatever it is that happened, I'm glad it has. I don't mind living with diabetes what I do mind is when people don't feel like they are able. You are able just probably not willing... yet. You will eventually and you'll learn just as I did that life indeed goes on whether you want it to or not. No one is stopping you from living a completely wonderful life... except you. It takes courage and patience and being able to laugh at yourself. It takes time.
AYUDA has been a major part of this process for me and I honestly don't know where I'd be without them. I've set up a donation page on FirstGiving [with a link to my page if you'll kindly direct your attention to the cute little widget on the side of your screen]. If you feel as passionate as I do about helping other with diabetes please donate... every little bit counts.
And now back to our regularly scheduled programming......
I was reading this morning on the train some more and I came across a paragraph that really made me realize how much I'm not living in the moment. "Your purpose is to sit here and talk to me, because that's where you are and that's what you are doing. Until you get up and do something else. Then, that becomes your purpose"(pg 263). Wow. Yes! I totally get it now. ::deep breath:: "Some changes may look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge"(pg 274). Diabetes can be looked at as a negative change. But is it really? I think it's the best thing that has happened to me in these past 24 years. It has given me the opportunity to become something greater than myself. It has lead me to Ecuador and the children there and AYUDA and I am so happy for that.

becoming more conscious.

Shift Consciousness

I like to read, as much as I can. Mainly non-fiction. Currently, I'm enraptured by a book a dear friend told me about [no not Oprah, even though we are total BFFs] called A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It's wonderful and slaps me in the face every other sentence. ...*bam* ouch! Ok I needed that... I'm one of those people who underlines things as I read, there is probably not a page that doesn't have atleast one sentence underlined... unless I didn't have a pen or pencil handy...
In many parts of the book I see myself, thoughts, friends, relationships and diabetes. Not just diabetes as a condition [as I think of it to be] but as I've heard others talk about it... an illness... that people suffer from. I do not suffer from anything and neither should you.

"An illness can either strengthen or weaken the ego. If you complain, feel self-pity or resent being ill, your ego becomes stronger. 'I am a sufferer of such and such disease' Ah, so now we know who you are". (pg. 124)

As I've written before, I do not suffer from diabetes and it is not who I am.

Eckhart made clear the notion with this part of the book. Everyone with diabetes [or any chronic illness for that matter] should read this book. Let it speak to you and show you how to rearrange your mentality. AYUDA has also helped me realize this and how we teach the kids to manage diabetes. You only suffer if you think you're suffering. It's a horrible cycle of thought and misguided teaching from misinformed individuals. It's time for a revolution. It's time for an enlightenment! Be at peace with yourself, your whole self - diabetes included. Relax. Enjoy this time you have. Take each day as a new day. [cue Michael Buble as background music "it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me and i'm feeling good".]

"No thing ever had anything to do with who they are"(pg.43). Can I get an AMEN. Diabetes is not who we are. It is diabetes. It is a malfunctioning pancreas. And as they say, I am not the sum of my parts... broken as they may be...

I must remember to breathe. Take a deep breath. Everyday is a different that comes with new catalysts, stresses, highs and lows and we must throw diabetes into the mix because we don't already have enough to do right?!

-------i'll have to come back to this post--------i got distracted by other things that needed my attention apparently so i'll have something more poignant to say later on possilby-----stay tuned.----------------------------------

High, Hi, Hello

I've had a crappy week. From start to finish, last week just sucked. To push me over though on Saturday I got my bloodwork results back. I seriously thought my A1c would have dropped or possibly stayed the same from when the last time I got it done... but no. It went up... a whole percent! UGH! I feel like I've failed myself, I try so hard and then *bam* not good enough. Will it ever be good enough? How much harder do I need to push myself? All Saturday I beat myself in the head about it and was super depressed. Then, later on, I talked with some dia-buddies in Ecuador and they gave me some good advice... so I've calmed down a little... not much... I'm still mad. Ah! RELAX!!!! ok ok....
I know I shouldn't be mad and that's just how things go but for the first time in nearly eight years I began to worry about future complications. All the maybe's and what if's tore through my brain. How could I have let myself slip like this?? This is what I want to do with my life, how can I teach people how to care for themselves if I can't even care for me!? Is my insulin old? [no] Do I eat too much junk? [no] Why can't I get this?
Then, I took a deep breath and shut off my brain.
On Sunday, I decided I need to make some changes. I need to continue with my exercise because it makes me feel good. I need to cut some of the crap out of my diet [for now] until I can get my A1c down. I need to find that stupid cable that's in a box somewhere in the garage so I can upload my meter. My numbers were great that day too... probably cuz I was checking like a maniac and went to the gym for almost two hours...
I go back to Dr. J in May hopefully with better news...
::sigh::
This sucks.

One of those days....

Two posts in one day....
It has just been one of those days where all I can do is laugh at myself. I'm laughing at myself a lot right now, possibly also because I'm low. But let's start at the beginning...
Earlier today I was busy checking and writing emails to all those important people that I must contact. Well, I took a quick break and stretch and open my eyes real wide an ::plop:: my left contact falls out. I didn't have any drops with me so I asked co-workers if they had any. One did and offered them to me. Just plain ol' allergy eye drops nothing fancy not prescribed, just regular OTC drops. And I've done that before... used regular drops instead of the ones 'for contacts'... well I'll never do that again. After putting my contact back into my eye it was time for lunch. So I trotted on over to Union Station for some delicious mushroom soup and a croissant from Au Bon Pain. As I was eating though I noticed that my eye felt a little strange, like my contact had fallen out again so I went to buy some contact drops and went back to the office. Got back to the office, went into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and holy crap batman! My left eye was dialated to were there was only a sliver of green left. The right one was perfectly normal. Creepy looking to say the least. AND it freaked me out. Then I went to one of my co-workers leaned over her desk and asked "Do you think this is normal?" Of course she said no, then suggested I go see an optometrist. There's one in Union Station so I went back, blocking my left eye from sun and spectators. For $50, the doc told me that I has basically poured the equivalent of an entire bottle of eye dialating solution into my eye because the contact absorbed the chemicals in the drops (of which there is a small amount of the same stuff used to dialate eyes apparently...) Well now my left eye is still dialated [I took a pictures, I'll post it later so yall can see the creepiness of it] and could possibly be so until tomorrow possilby Sunday... and it might go without saying but I also had to throw out my contact and can only see out of my right eye.
Now that yall know slightly how I feel right now... About 30 minutes ago I started feeling low so I checked... 72... decent... but I felt like I was dropping so I went to the fridge to get a little sprite. Took the can and came back to my desk. Just sitting here typing away, reading other blogs, getting a little shaky, taking more sips... man why is this not working I must really be dropping! So I nearly finish more than half the can when I pick it up again to take another sip... 0 Carbs 0 Sugar... DAMNIT it's Sprite Zero..... if I had two properly functioning eyes I bet I'd have noticed that sooner....
Anyway, I go back to the fridge and pour myself a glass of regular sugarfull sprite... this better work I can't take any more bubbles!!
Moral of the story is beware of eye drops that aren't for made contacts and Sprite Zero when you're low.....

To a better tomorrow.

Five Questions

So I was reading a blog by fellow diabetes blogger/rockstar Christopher Thomas. He asked five questions and the answers were very intriguing making me want to answer them too. How does the saying go? Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies... well I promise these are 100% honest answers. I hope you do the same. I'm really interested to hear from yall... or you, the one person that reads my blog :p
The five questions are:
What is your biggest accomplishment? biggest regret? what did you grow up dreaming to be? what's one thing you have wanted to do, but haven't? why not?
My biggest accomplishment - accepting myself as I am. Perfectly flawed. It took me a few years to accept diabetes and openly talk about it. Look at me now! haha I have AYUDA to thank for that. Who would have thought I'd have an "ah-ha" moment on an old bus driving through the mountains of Ecuador? But I did and am forever grateful. Being a diabetes camp counselor has changed my perspective on diabetes, it's less of a struggle, it's no longer a battle, it's balance and design and imperfections and highly unreliable. That's just the way things are and I accept that.
My biggest regret - I don't have one. I regret nothing. Somethings probably would have sucked less if I had taken someones advice on whatever topic I screwed up but c'est la vie. I have no regrets.
Childhood dream - I always thought I could do every job better than the person doing it -- bus driver, dance teacher, vet, scientist, architect, therapist, super hero... I don't remember wanting to be one thing in particular... maybe that why it took me so long to figure it out! But hey, at least it did right?!
Want to do but haven't - Travel the world. "I want the world, I want the whole world". I have an adventurous spirit and just let things go with the flow. Took me awhile to adjust to that, but I have and I like it. I love going to new places [even if it's not abroad] and discovering the ways people live there, how they interact with eachother, slang, dances... just life! I'll keep you posted on to where I'll be going next...
Why not - It's a stupid reason and everyone says it. Money. I have time. I just don't have enough money. I don't want to live in debt to anyone so I'm trying to save as much as possible so I am able to do the things I want to later. My issue is though, what if "later" never comes and I wake up one day and realize I've never done that one thing I've always wanted to do?! That scares me and I'm trying my hardest not to let that happen. I live with dreams in my heart and an open-mind, waiting to see where the road will take me.

glitter-graphics.com

Blah!

Ugh! I am in a bad mood!! So I thought maybe my blood sugar was high because I'm feeling pretty bitchy right now... check... nope... 100. Hmm... guess I can't ALWAYS blame everything on diabetes...
Blah.
Eh. Maybe I will anyway..........

Bloodless

My veins have been sucked dry! Ok... maybe I'm over-exaggerating... juuust a little... I must admit the phlebotomist was excellent but I worried her a little because before she wrapped the blue elastic band around my arm I told her I get light-headed after a massive blood-letting and asked if they had juice handy just incase... she said no and told me I should go to the cafeteria, around the corner just passed the blue sign, before she draws the blood because she doesn't want me to pass out. But since I live on the wild side I told her no and just to go ahead on with it already so I could get outta the hospital. One little poke, I barely felt it, and the blood started flowing... 1..... 2...... wow you're taking a lot of blood today huh... no reply.... 3............... 4................. after that she needed me to pee in those impossibly small pee cups. Oh the joys of going to the endo.

Speaking of... this was my first time going to this endo and I think she'll do. Very nice and her assistant doctor lady was also very nice and put up with me during the "history" session of the appointment and also the Q&A about why I don't want a pump, pens or an Omnipod. The office was also pretty timely. I could have done without the receptionist. My appointment was for 10 and I saw the doc around 1030... I've been to much worse. Dr. J also gave me a pop quiz because she doubts my mad carb counting skillz and I passed with flying colors...

Dr. J: so if you're at 150 and you're about to eat 45g of carbs how much insulin do you take?

Me: [oh give me something harder!] well... I'd correct with 1 then do 3 for the carbs so I would take 4.

[Ding ding ding!!! bells and whistles blaring, the trumpet sounds, woohooo I won, I won!! Yay! what's my prize?? You get to continue having diabetes!!... Oh..... fine.]

We talked a little bit and she advised me to get software to download my meter onto my computer... nifty idea, I think I shall... she also wants me to get my A1c lower and I oblige, it could be lower. It's a goal. We casually make a date to see eachother again in May. That would be nice. Then I offered myself up for scarifice in the Quest lab downstairs since I hadn't eaten breakfast yet and I was at a satisfying 134... thus began the massive blood loss.

Good times.

[in-spuh-rey-shun]

I was chatting with a wonderful dia-buddy of mine who lives in California having a quick little bitch session about diabetes. Which, I think, is a very healthy way to get out some daily frustrations that people without diabetes wouldn't understand... even if they did they wouldn't really get it like someone with diabetes. I love bitch sessions. Rant, rant, rant filled with laughter and moments of oh my goodness I totally know what you're talking about!!! We know exactly how the other feels when everything seems to just not be working... then throwing diabetes into the mix is enough to make anyone feel insane and worn down and exhausted and like they can't go on another day! But yet, you do. You take a deep breath... or 87... say everything will be alright and you wake up to another day. Highs and lows and in betweens. I think I'd feel insane even without diabetes, my brain is always set to multi-task mode. People with diabetes must be multi-taskers, I've realized. While exchanging rants through Facebook she told me something that made me stop and wonder. "I'm glad there are people like you that understand these fun times. I've always admired your unwavering positive attitude toward dealing with diabetes' challenges. It's inspiring."

That makes tears well up in my heart. I'm glad to be an inspiration to someone, even still, I think it's a pretty strong word and pretty large shoes to fill. People I find inspiring are the Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa, Paul Farmer, Jesse Fuchs-Simon and Nick Cuttriss, not me. The only thing I'm doing is living my life, with diabetes. I don't know any other way to be about diabetes than positive... sure beats the opposite. I can't imagine living my day to day cursing to whoever people pray to that my life sucks and I wish I never got diabetes. How difficult that must be, to be constantly worried about complications and in fear of the future. Just live for today, worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Take care of yourself now and complications will be minimal... it's just a part of growing old anyway... diabetes or not. I'm more worried about something killing me on my way to work rather than diabetes complications in 20 years. Maybe people haven't found the kind of support that I have. I'm so lucky to have found them too. They are my inspiration. My reason for accepting myself. My reason for breathing more slowly and taking life as it comes. I'd be lost without them.

You, my dia-buddies, are my inspiration. But when you feel like you can no longer face another diabetes-filled day, I'm here for you to tell you you can. We all can. Si se puede!!

To a happy, healthy life.

What's your number one diabetes rant?? Want to start a bitch session... be my guest! I love them!! ;) Comment away!!

Erratica

This morning I read my horoscope like I usually do every morning... not like I think they are true or I plan my day according to what they say but sometimes they have strickingly accurate "readings". For today this is my horoscope:

"It may be hard for you to think straight today, dear Leo. More than likely, your brain is acting out in short, erratic bursts that keep you guessing as to which way to proceed. Avoid mental confusion by taking periodic checks during the day in which you come to center and separate yourself and your feelings from the situation and drama around you. Don't pretend you understand something if you don't. If something doesn't make sense, question it."

This could be true for countless people today, not just all those Leo's out there. But it hit home for me. I feel erratic and confused and sucked into daily dramas I despise. I've also been sick since Thursday-ish so maybe that leads me too feel these things... How can one person produce so much snot?!... sorry bad mental picture. I, like most normal people, hate being sick. But this is the second time I've been sick since November. My immune system still isn't used to the cold I suppose. My numbers had been great until yesterday - I was in the 200s all freaking day and even this morning. I checked about an hour ago and was down to 154. Could it be the meds I took? I took a shot and a half of Nyquil before dozing off around 11pm, other meds have been in pill form [other than my insulin obviously] but I'm wondering if OTC meds have anything to do with the highs I had all day... I didn't eat much for lack of appetite and I even pushed myself to workout but after about 15 minutes on the elliptical I gave in because I was really short of breath on the lowest level. I rested and went another 15 minutes on the bike which was easier but still my breathing was restricted. Hopefully my cold will pass soon and I can get back in the gym. I've been a little obsessive lately...

I have an endo appointment on Thursday with a new endo. I found one closer to where I live but I pretty much hated her. There's a long waitlist [called in December] for Dr. J so we'll see how she works out. I'm not the best diabetes patient and have little patience for incompetent docs like my first endo out here... she got canned 2 minutes after I "stepped into her office". I have a right to be picky. I don't settle for just ok. She will be tested and I hope she's up for the challenge that is me! ;)

This has been a random, thought-scattered blog brought to you by yours truly.

Take care.

Cause for Celebration?

I know it's still almost 2 months from now but it's just something that I was thinking about... 15 March 2008 will mark 8 years of living with diabetes. 2920 days. 12000 tests or so. Countless injections. Tears. Laughter. A lot has happened in 8 years, I've graduated high school and college, found AYUDA, went to ecuador, moved... a lot, and just had the ups and downs of daily life. Things keep happening even though at times you wished they would just stop. You force yourself to stand even though you're not sure if your knees are strong enough to hold the weight of your body, still you stand.

I was just wondering if anyone else 'celebrates' their anniversary. I've always done something small... usually with my mom but I've been thinking of doing something bigger... like taking a trip... trying to take time off and get away for the weekend, maybe alone, maybe with friends... I don't know. Do you do anything special to commemorate this crazy life-changing day?! If not, why?

Finding My Way

I read this at a time when I really needed it and I hope it might open your eyes and see things the way the are; not as they necessarily should be.
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A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes and tear stained cheeks you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are, what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love.... and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms... just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely... You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 2 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up". You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK.... and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch... and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time... FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
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I'm not perfect, I'm not trying to be. I'm just trying to be a better version of me, to make myself happy, not anyone else. For me, it's easy to make other people happy, to put them before me, to make things easier for someone else. Slowly, I am learning to do things for myself. Take working out for example. I'm not going to the gym 6 or 7 times a week for someone else... to get my body in shape so some guy might think I look good... I do it for myself so I think I look good. Over time I've learned the importance of caring for others but have left myself in the shadows, for once, I want to be the one in the sun. Don't I deserve that? Haven't I been through enough in my life? I think so. The things I want and the things I need are not necessarily the same. I don't need anyone to make me happy but I do want certain people in my life who make me feel that way. It's a consious decision, don't take it for granted.

Help AYUDA Win!!

So I talk a lot about AYUDA so you most likely know a little bit about the organization.... ooor maybe not.... AYUDA is an amazing non-profit [citizen-sector] organization that helps children with type 1 diabetes lead healthier, happier lives. AYUDA holds a summer camp [Campo Amigo] for children with type 1 throughout the developing world. Our first camp was in Ecuador and we have continued having Campo Amigo for over 10 years in Ecuador. There are now programs in places like Bolivia, Bermuda, Croatia, Mexico and Belize.... I have been a volunteer at Campo Amigo Ecuador for the last three summers. AYUDA is a small but growing non-profit, always in search of help. Which leads me to my point - Parade Magazine is having a contest in which AYUDA could win $50,000!!! All you have to do is donate a little bit yourself. The organization with the most donors [not the greatest donations] wins. Below I have posted the link and I hope you are able to donate, if not pass on the word!! The contest ends at the end of this month [january] so spread the word fast!! To learn more about AYUDA please visit the ever-changing website. To donate and help AYUDA win $50,000 please click on the link below or on the cute little widget on the left side of your screen :)

http://givingchallenge.globalgiving.com/dy/registry/ag.html?cmd=sharefund&regid=1110

Thank you for supporting!!!
Much love.
http://givingchallenge.globalgiving.com/dy/registry/ag.html?cmd=sharefund&regid=1110

There is a difference!

UGH!! [[I need to rant. Caution: run-on sentences and grammatical errors ahead. You have been warned.]]
Life with diabetes can definitely be frustrating. Something that frustrates me even more is that people have no idea what the heck type 1 is vs. type 2. I'm sitting here reading a book... which I will not reveal... and it keeps mentioning how horrible diabetes is and how it can be preventable and how it is associated with obesity and not once in any of those above statements does it say that he is talking about type 2. Come on people, seriously. Maybe it only bothers me because I'm type 1... but still there is a difference. Type 1 is crappy and type 2 is sucks, too... older, set in your ways, blah blah poor fat you. Yes, it is preventable [for the most part]. Yes, it is associated with obesity. BUT HELLO! Type 1 is not, which is unfortunately labeled by the same nomenclature... diabetes. ::sigh:: I want to re-name type 1. I don't want to be grouped into the same category as type 2 anymore. Any suggestions? Yes, I was diagnosed at 16 and not at 6 but that does not make me type 2. But yet I still have diabetes. Great example of people's misguidedness of diabetes... I was sitting on a plane waiting for 30 minutes to take off when I decided to eat my lunch. I test my blood sugar and begin eating. When I finish eating I take my shot. The guy next to me turns to me and says "So, how long have you been type 2?" No lie. So I say to him, "actually... I'm type 1." He shuts up. I guess he actually knew the difference, which is rare. Just because I am in my 20s does not mean I no longer have type 1. I still have type 1. I will not magically rid myself of diabetes nor will I turn into a type 2 because I got older.
I feel like I've written this post before. Maybe I've just thought about it for so long it seems like I should have already.
Back to my point... Ok... I don't think people other than people with diabetes care that there are more than one kind or that one is associated with the haunting image of obesity running rampant through America and the other is genetic [according to popular belief] and unavoidable... for this I highly doubt anyone will care enough to change the name. I'm fine with being type 1. That's just dandy. Then type 2 should be type 2. Things need to be labeled properly. X's with X's and O's with O's. I'm an X, thank you. There is a difference. I don't want to be lumped into the same category as someone with type 2. I eat well, exercise daily and did not allow my pancreas the opportunity to stop functioning properly when I was 16 by stuffing my face full of fat... it just did it all by itself. I have even read articles posted by the ADA not mentioning which type they were talking about... and it was usually type 2. While I do understand where the confusion comes from... there is a difference. And the ADA of all things. Come on!!! Seriously!? This is why so many people are confused and cram them into the same disease. They are not the same disease, they work in different ways, they have different catalysts. I'm not going to go on and on and explain what the difference is, I just don't feel like doing that right now... maybe some other post. Go read Diabetes for Dummies if you're that curious. It bothers me. Maybe it shouldn't. Maybe I'm being trivial. But it bothers me nonetheless. There is a difference.

Not in the majority.
j