Shift Consciousness

I like to read, as much as I can. Mainly non-fiction. Currently, I'm enraptured by a book a dear friend told me about [no not Oprah, even though we are total BFFs] called A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It's wonderful and slaps me in the face every other sentence. ...*bam* ouch! Ok I needed that... I'm one of those people who underlines things as I read, there is probably not a page that doesn't have atleast one sentence underlined... unless I didn't have a pen or pencil handy...
In many parts of the book I see myself, thoughts, friends, relationships and diabetes. Not just diabetes as a condition [as I think of it to be] but as I've heard others talk about it... an illness... that people suffer from. I do not suffer from anything and neither should you.

"An illness can either strengthen or weaken the ego. If you complain, feel self-pity or resent being ill, your ego becomes stronger. 'I am a sufferer of such and such disease' Ah, so now we know who you are". (pg. 124)

As I've written before, I do not suffer from diabetes and it is not who I am.

Eckhart made clear the notion with this part of the book. Everyone with diabetes [or any chronic illness for that matter] should read this book. Let it speak to you and show you how to rearrange your mentality. AYUDA has also helped me realize this and how we teach the kids to manage diabetes. You only suffer if you think you're suffering. It's a horrible cycle of thought and misguided teaching from misinformed individuals. It's time for a revolution. It's time for an enlightenment! Be at peace with yourself, your whole self - diabetes included. Relax. Enjoy this time you have. Take each day as a new day. [cue Michael Buble as background music "it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me and i'm feeling good".]

"No thing ever had anything to do with who they are"(pg.43). Can I get an AMEN. Diabetes is not who we are. It is diabetes. It is a malfunctioning pancreas. And as they say, I am not the sum of my parts... broken as they may be...

I must remember to breathe. Take a deep breath. Everyday is a different that comes with new catalysts, stresses, highs and lows and we must throw diabetes into the mix because we don't already have enough to do right?!

-------i'll have to come back to this post--------i got distracted by other things that needed my attention apparently so i'll have something more poignant to say later on possilby-----stay tuned.----------------------------------

High, Hi, Hello

I've had a crappy week. From start to finish, last week just sucked. To push me over though on Saturday I got my bloodwork results back. I seriously thought my A1c would have dropped or possibly stayed the same from when the last time I got it done... but no. It went up... a whole percent! UGH! I feel like I've failed myself, I try so hard and then *bam* not good enough. Will it ever be good enough? How much harder do I need to push myself? All Saturday I beat myself in the head about it and was super depressed. Then, later on, I talked with some dia-buddies in Ecuador and they gave me some good advice... so I've calmed down a little... not much... I'm still mad. Ah! RELAX!!!! ok ok....
I know I shouldn't be mad and that's just how things go but for the first time in nearly eight years I began to worry about future complications. All the maybe's and what if's tore through my brain. How could I have let myself slip like this?? This is what I want to do with my life, how can I teach people how to care for themselves if I can't even care for me!? Is my insulin old? [no] Do I eat too much junk? [no] Why can't I get this?
Then, I took a deep breath and shut off my brain.
On Sunday, I decided I need to make some changes. I need to continue with my exercise because it makes me feel good. I need to cut some of the crap out of my diet [for now] until I can get my A1c down. I need to find that stupid cable that's in a box somewhere in the garage so I can upload my meter. My numbers were great that day too... probably cuz I was checking like a maniac and went to the gym for almost two hours...
I go back to Dr. J in May hopefully with better news...
::sigh::
This sucks.

One of those days....

Two posts in one day....
It has just been one of those days where all I can do is laugh at myself. I'm laughing at myself a lot right now, possibly also because I'm low. But let's start at the beginning...
Earlier today I was busy checking and writing emails to all those important people that I must contact. Well, I took a quick break and stretch and open my eyes real wide an ::plop:: my left contact falls out. I didn't have any drops with me so I asked co-workers if they had any. One did and offered them to me. Just plain ol' allergy eye drops nothing fancy not prescribed, just regular OTC drops. And I've done that before... used regular drops instead of the ones 'for contacts'... well I'll never do that again. After putting my contact back into my eye it was time for lunch. So I trotted on over to Union Station for some delicious mushroom soup and a croissant from Au Bon Pain. As I was eating though I noticed that my eye felt a little strange, like my contact had fallen out again so I went to buy some contact drops and went back to the office. Got back to the office, went into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and holy crap batman! My left eye was dialated to were there was only a sliver of green left. The right one was perfectly normal. Creepy looking to say the least. AND it freaked me out. Then I went to one of my co-workers leaned over her desk and asked "Do you think this is normal?" Of course she said no, then suggested I go see an optometrist. There's one in Union Station so I went back, blocking my left eye from sun and spectators. For $50, the doc told me that I has basically poured the equivalent of an entire bottle of eye dialating solution into my eye because the contact absorbed the chemicals in the drops (of which there is a small amount of the same stuff used to dialate eyes apparently...) Well now my left eye is still dialated [I took a pictures, I'll post it later so yall can see the creepiness of it] and could possibly be so until tomorrow possilby Sunday... and it might go without saying but I also had to throw out my contact and can only see out of my right eye.
Now that yall know slightly how I feel right now... About 30 minutes ago I started feeling low so I checked... 72... decent... but I felt like I was dropping so I went to the fridge to get a little sprite. Took the can and came back to my desk. Just sitting here typing away, reading other blogs, getting a little shaky, taking more sips... man why is this not working I must really be dropping! So I nearly finish more than half the can when I pick it up again to take another sip... 0 Carbs 0 Sugar... DAMNIT it's Sprite Zero..... if I had two properly functioning eyes I bet I'd have noticed that sooner....
Anyway, I go back to the fridge and pour myself a glass of regular sugarfull sprite... this better work I can't take any more bubbles!!
Moral of the story is beware of eye drops that aren't for made contacts and Sprite Zero when you're low.....

To a better tomorrow.

Five Questions

So I was reading a blog by fellow diabetes blogger/rockstar Christopher Thomas. He asked five questions and the answers were very intriguing making me want to answer them too. How does the saying go? Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies... well I promise these are 100% honest answers. I hope you do the same. I'm really interested to hear from yall... or you, the one person that reads my blog :p
The five questions are:
What is your biggest accomplishment? biggest regret? what did you grow up dreaming to be? what's one thing you have wanted to do, but haven't? why not?
My biggest accomplishment - accepting myself as I am. Perfectly flawed. It took me a few years to accept diabetes and openly talk about it. Look at me now! haha I have AYUDA to thank for that. Who would have thought I'd have an "ah-ha" moment on an old bus driving through the mountains of Ecuador? But I did and am forever grateful. Being a diabetes camp counselor has changed my perspective on diabetes, it's less of a struggle, it's no longer a battle, it's balance and design and imperfections and highly unreliable. That's just the way things are and I accept that.
My biggest regret - I don't have one. I regret nothing. Somethings probably would have sucked less if I had taken someones advice on whatever topic I screwed up but c'est la vie. I have no regrets.
Childhood dream - I always thought I could do every job better than the person doing it -- bus driver, dance teacher, vet, scientist, architect, therapist, super hero... I don't remember wanting to be one thing in particular... maybe that why it took me so long to figure it out! But hey, at least it did right?!
Want to do but haven't - Travel the world. "I want the world, I want the whole world". I have an adventurous spirit and just let things go with the flow. Took me awhile to adjust to that, but I have and I like it. I love going to new places [even if it's not abroad] and discovering the ways people live there, how they interact with eachother, slang, dances... just life! I'll keep you posted on to where I'll be going next...
Why not - It's a stupid reason and everyone says it. Money. I have time. I just don't have enough money. I don't want to live in debt to anyone so I'm trying to save as much as possible so I am able to do the things I want to later. My issue is though, what if "later" never comes and I wake up one day and realize I've never done that one thing I've always wanted to do?! That scares me and I'm trying my hardest not to let that happen. I live with dreams in my heart and an open-mind, waiting to see where the road will take me.

glitter-graphics.com

Blah!

Ugh! I am in a bad mood!! So I thought maybe my blood sugar was high because I'm feeling pretty bitchy right now... check... nope... 100. Hmm... guess I can't ALWAYS blame everything on diabetes...
Blah.
Eh. Maybe I will anyway..........

Bloodless

My veins have been sucked dry! Ok... maybe I'm over-exaggerating... juuust a little... I must admit the phlebotomist was excellent but I worried her a little because before she wrapped the blue elastic band around my arm I told her I get light-headed after a massive blood-letting and asked if they had juice handy just incase... she said no and told me I should go to the cafeteria, around the corner just passed the blue sign, before she draws the blood because she doesn't want me to pass out. But since I live on the wild side I told her no and just to go ahead on with it already so I could get outta the hospital. One little poke, I barely felt it, and the blood started flowing... 1..... 2...... wow you're taking a lot of blood today huh... no reply.... 3............... 4................. after that she needed me to pee in those impossibly small pee cups. Oh the joys of going to the endo.

Speaking of... this was my first time going to this endo and I think she'll do. Very nice and her assistant doctor lady was also very nice and put up with me during the "history" session of the appointment and also the Q&A about why I don't want a pump, pens or an Omnipod. The office was also pretty timely. I could have done without the receptionist. My appointment was for 10 and I saw the doc around 1030... I've been to much worse. Dr. J also gave me a pop quiz because she doubts my mad carb counting skillz and I passed with flying colors...

Dr. J: so if you're at 150 and you're about to eat 45g of carbs how much insulin do you take?

Me: [oh give me something harder!] well... I'd correct with 1 then do 3 for the carbs so I would take 4.

[Ding ding ding!!! bells and whistles blaring, the trumpet sounds, woohooo I won, I won!! Yay! what's my prize?? You get to continue having diabetes!!... Oh..... fine.]

We talked a little bit and she advised me to get software to download my meter onto my computer... nifty idea, I think I shall... she also wants me to get my A1c lower and I oblige, it could be lower. It's a goal. We casually make a date to see eachother again in May. That would be nice. Then I offered myself up for scarifice in the Quest lab downstairs since I hadn't eaten breakfast yet and I was at a satisfying 134... thus began the massive blood loss.

Good times.

[in-spuh-rey-shun]

I was chatting with a wonderful dia-buddy of mine who lives in California having a quick little bitch session about diabetes. Which, I think, is a very healthy way to get out some daily frustrations that people without diabetes wouldn't understand... even if they did they wouldn't really get it like someone with diabetes. I love bitch sessions. Rant, rant, rant filled with laughter and moments of oh my goodness I totally know what you're talking about!!! We know exactly how the other feels when everything seems to just not be working... then throwing diabetes into the mix is enough to make anyone feel insane and worn down and exhausted and like they can't go on another day! But yet, you do. You take a deep breath... or 87... say everything will be alright and you wake up to another day. Highs and lows and in betweens. I think I'd feel insane even without diabetes, my brain is always set to multi-task mode. People with diabetes must be multi-taskers, I've realized. While exchanging rants through Facebook she told me something that made me stop and wonder. "I'm glad there are people like you that understand these fun times. I've always admired your unwavering positive attitude toward dealing with diabetes' challenges. It's inspiring."

That makes tears well up in my heart. I'm glad to be an inspiration to someone, even still, I think it's a pretty strong word and pretty large shoes to fill. People I find inspiring are the Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa, Paul Farmer, Jesse Fuchs-Simon and Nick Cuttriss, not me. The only thing I'm doing is living my life, with diabetes. I don't know any other way to be about diabetes than positive... sure beats the opposite. I can't imagine living my day to day cursing to whoever people pray to that my life sucks and I wish I never got diabetes. How difficult that must be, to be constantly worried about complications and in fear of the future. Just live for today, worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Take care of yourself now and complications will be minimal... it's just a part of growing old anyway... diabetes or not. I'm more worried about something killing me on my way to work rather than diabetes complications in 20 years. Maybe people haven't found the kind of support that I have. I'm so lucky to have found them too. They are my inspiration. My reason for accepting myself. My reason for breathing more slowly and taking life as it comes. I'd be lost without them.

You, my dia-buddies, are my inspiration. But when you feel like you can no longer face another diabetes-filled day, I'm here for you to tell you you can. We all can. Si se puede!!

To a happy, healthy life.

What's your number one diabetes rant?? Want to start a bitch session... be my guest! I love them!! ;) Comment away!!

Erratica

This morning I read my horoscope like I usually do every morning... not like I think they are true or I plan my day according to what they say but sometimes they have strickingly accurate "readings". For today this is my horoscope:

"It may be hard for you to think straight today, dear Leo. More than likely, your brain is acting out in short, erratic bursts that keep you guessing as to which way to proceed. Avoid mental confusion by taking periodic checks during the day in which you come to center and separate yourself and your feelings from the situation and drama around you. Don't pretend you understand something if you don't. If something doesn't make sense, question it."

This could be true for countless people today, not just all those Leo's out there. But it hit home for me. I feel erratic and confused and sucked into daily dramas I despise. I've also been sick since Thursday-ish so maybe that leads me too feel these things... How can one person produce so much snot?!... sorry bad mental picture. I, like most normal people, hate being sick. But this is the second time I've been sick since November. My immune system still isn't used to the cold I suppose. My numbers had been great until yesterday - I was in the 200s all freaking day and even this morning. I checked about an hour ago and was down to 154. Could it be the meds I took? I took a shot and a half of Nyquil before dozing off around 11pm, other meds have been in pill form [other than my insulin obviously] but I'm wondering if OTC meds have anything to do with the highs I had all day... I didn't eat much for lack of appetite and I even pushed myself to workout but after about 15 minutes on the elliptical I gave in because I was really short of breath on the lowest level. I rested and went another 15 minutes on the bike which was easier but still my breathing was restricted. Hopefully my cold will pass soon and I can get back in the gym. I've been a little obsessive lately...

I have an endo appointment on Thursday with a new endo. I found one closer to where I live but I pretty much hated her. There's a long waitlist [called in December] for Dr. J so we'll see how she works out. I'm not the best diabetes patient and have little patience for incompetent docs like my first endo out here... she got canned 2 minutes after I "stepped into her office". I have a right to be picky. I don't settle for just ok. She will be tested and I hope she's up for the challenge that is me! ;)

This has been a random, thought-scattered blog brought to you by yours truly.

Take care.