::ahem:: me me me me meeeee

The meme...

The rules are that you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end choose 6 people to be tagged, list their names and why you tagged them. Don't forget to leave them a comment saying ('You're It!') and to go read your blog. You can not tag the person that tagged you, so, since you can't tag me back let me know when you are done so that I can go read YOUR blog answers.

drum roll please...

10. I hate anything sticky, especially saran wrap and tape.

9. I have lived in four states, five cities and nine different houses/apts. and counting...

8. My favorite color is green because it's the color of my eyes and trees.

7. I want to be Samantha Brown... or to get paid to travel and write about it!

6. Even though I'm from Louisiana, I hate seafood... with the exception of crab cakes and crawfish bread.

5. I absoutely love quotes and find new ones everyday. I have a long list saved in my email "draft" box.

4. I prefer to only read non-fiction because I don't think we can ever learn enough about ourselves, each other and the world... and I think I do a pretty good job of making up my own stories and don't need to read anyone else's.

3. I believe in the good of mankind... no matter how many times I have been seriously disappointed.

2. I refused to eat salads until I was in high school because I found it repulsive now I eat them everyday.

1. I thought Mardi Gras was a national holiday until I went to college. Now I'm glad it's not though because it's something unique to my favorite place in the whole world.

I tag YOU! Anyone who hasn't played yet :)

incoherant

i think i have peanut butter in my eye. my hands are sticky with apple juice. what time is it?? i'm sweating. and shaking. and and tense.....
as i write this i'm coming out of a low. a low i haven't felt in a long time... i'm 42. but this didn't feel like a 42 i've had before. i woke up sweat puddled on my face and i could feel it about to drip down my back. must wake up i thought. i knew i was (am) low i just couldn't make myself wake up i don't know how long ago that was... i fell back asleep... woke up again... julie you're low. test. go get some juice. ok ok. this felt like a low to where i would need an assistant juice getter-er but then i had thoughts racing through my head about being independent and no i can do this! so then i decided that since i was thinking these strange random thoughts i did indeed not need assistance and went downstairs. open the cabinet get a large glass fill it to the brim with grape juice. then i also conclude i need an apple and some peanut butter. why not...
as i sat and drank my grape juice and slathered peanut butter over my apple (not really sure how i still have my fingers after cutting it... low and shaking...) i could literally feel my blood sugar rising...
The sweat stopped sweating. My hands were still shaking but returned to a steadier normal non-shaking state. My thoughts were still strange but less so than before. Oddly, I started thinking of titles and what I would write in this blog. Hm... maybe I need to go test again... yeah... I do...
Must go wash sticky low induded applepeanutbuttergrapejuice fingers.

happy thursday.

sorry if blog makes little sense... the title should be enough of a warning....

Only floss the ones you want to keep

I try not to dwell on things that make me sad, on things I cannot change, on things that depress me or make me think life sucks. I'm not that kind of person. Generally. I'm dwelling. Right now, whole lot of dwelling goin on. Oh yeah. Major dwell-age. Normally, I don't let the big D drag me down. But at the moment, I'm in a poorly lit back ally and it's beating the crap outta me... we're having a knock down all out knife fightin brawl a la West Side Story. I've got the stab wounds to prove it... Can I please say "uncle" and crawl into bed and sleep it off for a bit? Me rindo!!

I'm all about diabetes empowerment and being "stronger than diabetes" and the whole bit. This week, man, this week has just got me backed into a mental corner, unable to escape my own thoughts about how much I hate living this way. This is not me... this is not my style. Diabetes usually doesn't bother me this much. I've accepted it long ago and even come to derive joy from it's idiosyncrasies. Hopefully by next week I'll feel more like myself and not the major failure, whining child that I so desperately want to embrace. For the rest this week, however, I am unable. Unable to stop the thoughts, the mental hate mail addressed to my pancreas.

Yours truly.

p.s. I love you.

Enough!!!

I haven't wanted to blog lately. I haven't wanted to do much of anything lately, especially diabetes related. But I'm forcing myself because I know it will make me feel better... I don't know if it will make you feel better but it will... should... make me feel better...
I've had enough of this and I want out. I want off the ride I'm not having fun anymore! I just want it to be over and done with so I... and you and we and everyone with diabetes can be done! forever! I'm tired. It's the kind of tired that you struggle to... keep.. your... eyes... open...
but it's my entire body. My brain wants to shut off, for a day maybe, reboot, power down, relax, rest. To stop. Stop counting and remembering and checking and corrections and carbs and insulin and checking and..... It's constant and I'm tired. So tired.
Monday I had my 3 month follow up endo appointment with Dr. J and got my bloodwork back. My A1c went up. Again. I don't know how. I don't know why. I feel like I've been trying so hard and working out and eating well and nothing, to no avail. I feel like I'm failing myself. It's so frustrating and I just want to stop. I haven't felt this way in a long time because I thought I was doing so well and caring for myself. It's so hard... it used to be so simple. As time goes by it seems to be getting more and more difficult to understand why I can't be "in range" all the freaking time. I thought I knew what I was doing. Have I just been fooling myself? Dr. J says all my other organs are "perfect". Perfect? I don't even know what that means. There is nothing perfect about me. Today I was low 3 times. During the third time I also had a migraine and didn't want to move. I didn't care I was low, I didn't want to eat anything, I just wanted to sit there and will myself to get higher but I also knew that wouldn't happen so I reached in my purse and ate some glucotabs. I didn't care. I just didn't want to have my first seizure at work. How can I stop caring? I'm just so tired and frustrated. Have I said that enough yet?
I look around and see people living their lives. Thinking they have all these worries and problems, living perfectly healthy lives. It makes me laugh and think what do they know about worries. They obviously haven't had a day in the life of a chronic condition. Chronic. That word is so powerful.
Dr. J thinks splitting my Lantus dose will help lower my numbers more. So now I'm taking 10 units twice per day, 12 hours apart. It seems to be working well. Despite the few lows I had today, I've only been high a few times also, everything else has been... decent. I'm going to upload my meter tomorrow and study the graphs and stats and averages. I'm determined to have a graph that looks like the ones I used to have right after I was diagnosed and my endo at Children's in New Orleans would upload my meter and just smile and say how much he loves patients like me. Amazing. Almost always in range. A high here, a low there but great.
I am determined.
I will continue. This is not a battle, I'm not fighting. I'm living my life... trying to work out the kinks. But, I'm frustrated and want to cry and I think I should go to bed. It's been a long day. It's thundering now. I love when it rains at night.

Looking forward.

These boots...

...were made for walkin and that's just what I'll do!!

Ok maybe not in boots... but you get the point.

Tomorrow is the big JDRF DC Chapter, Walk for a Cure. I raised my goal and am super excited about that and it only took a few days! Thanks again to everyone who donated, your kindness is greatly appreciated :) It's amazing the things we can do when we do it together!! Like AYUDA says, Juntos somos mas fuertes!!

The walk starts at the National Mall with the beautiful monuments as a back drop for the 5K. I'll probably get there around 9:30 with the 'rents so they can register... and the walk starts around 10. This is my first walk and I can't wait. Knowing myself as well as I do though... I'll probably get all emotional and start crying.... I'll have to remember to put a tissue in with some glucotabs... and water... and sunscreen...

Keep an eye out for me and come say hi if you recognize me... I'll be wearing an AYUDA t-shirt and shorts so my Casperthefriendlyghost legs can get some color.
On another note. Today, I went to the EU Open House of the Embassies here in DC. My favorites were Portugal, Bulgaria and Latvia. Ireland was highly disappointing and Luxembourg is hardly worth mentioning. Bulgaria really got into it, as I think they all should have. Really showed off their culture with people dancing in traditional garb in the street and upon entering there was a table with Bulgaria wine and apps. Yall should know by know I love wine. Portugal was also very interesting. They showed a quick film about Portugal... enticing me to want to catch the next flight out... and the Ambassador was actually there, shook his hand and listened to him speak briefly and learned that he really likes pens.... I even won a t-shirt. They also had a delicious Portugese port wine and a special pastry cake thing. Latvia was neat because the embassy itself is obviously very old and I love creaky old wood floors... it was decorated in a very gothic style with great art throughout. If you're in the area when they do this next year I would highly recommend visiting those embassies. Next weekend some others are open so maybe I check them out too... who knows... we shall see.

Well... time to rest up hope to see you in the AM!!

Walk On.

I'm Cured!!

I totally didn't have diabetes yesterday. It was awesome. Racking up 70s and 90s ALL day not one number that didn't start with a 7 or a 9. This morning, I'm sittin' pretty at 105. Yeah, Baby! I like ::borat voice::. My dad said it must have been the wine tasting. Who knew... all I have to do is drink... er taste... 20 different kinds of wine and ::BAM:: I am cured.
Ok maybe not. I still had to take insulin.... blah blah blah... whatever! Let me bask in my fabulous non-diabetes diabetes glory!! ::muahahahahahaha::
Hopefully it continues today! I have another endo appointment on Cinco de Mayo. This time I'll be ready. I got bloodwork done the other day on my lunch break so it should be in by tomorrow [so they say]. AND I finally figured out why I couldn't upload my meter to the Co-Pilot program to get all the readings on my meter onto nifty little statistical charts and such. Dr. J will be soooo impressed............

To a wonderful Thursday!

PS Ugly Betty's on tonight!! It's definitely my favorite show. ever.