31 October 2007


Awhile back I was told, by someone dear to me, that I am a glutton for punishment. After thinking about it for a long time, I've realized how true that really is. I push myself to the limits, to see how much I can take, to see how much I can withstand before being unable to stand at all. Sometimes I feel as though I am about to fall but I catch myself and keep going. This life with diabetes is much of the same. Everyday I test my boundaries, highly aware of the consequences but unable to avoid my own curiosity. There are times when I just want to stop, to give in and succumb to this condition and let it take over so I don't have to work so hard anymore. It would be so nice to be able to take a break, just for a minute... to catch my breath. Then there are the other times when I realize how stupid that is, there are no time-outs. I must keep pushing myself. To the point of breaking, I continue. I have been broken down but never broken beyond repair.
Gluttony and diabetes aren't generally two things you would pair together - hopefully - but I can see the connection of the two within me. But instead of in the normal context of binge eating, I am a glutton for living beyond normal means... to test my body. Possibly to see if I can handle things many people say people with diabetes can't. It might seem a bit rebellious at times but it feels good knowing I can do it... whatever it may be... and wake up to another tomorrow. I will not stop. I will not be broken. Hearing people say I can't only makes me want to push and punish myself even harder, while mentally punching them in the face. Hmm... I think I'll go have some more Halloween candy now.
Never say never, I've learned. You can always do more, you can continue even when doubting you're own strength. What's that saying... pain is weakness leaving the body?...

To a life of gluttony.

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