Gluttony

Awhile back I was told, by someone dear to me, that I am a glutton for punishment. After thinking about it for a long time, I've realized how true that really is. I push myself to the limits, to see how much I can take, to see how much I can withstand before being unable to stand at all. Sometimes I feel as though I am about to fall but I catch myself and keep going. This life with diabetes is much of the same. Everyday I test my boundaries, highly aware of the consequences but unable to avoid my own curiosity. There are times when I just want to stop, to give in and succumb to this condition and let it take over so I don't have to work so hard anymore. It would be so nice to be able to take a break, just for a minute... to catch my breath. Then there are the other times when I realize how stupid that is, there are no time-outs. I must keep pushing myself. To the point of breaking, I continue. I have been broken down but never broken beyond repair.
Gluttony and diabetes aren't generally two things you would pair together - hopefully - but I can see the connection of the two within me. But instead of in the normal context of binge eating, I am a glutton for living beyond normal means... to test my body. Possibly to see if I can handle things many people say people with diabetes can't. It might seem a bit rebellious at times but it feels good knowing I can do it... whatever it may be... and wake up to another tomorrow. I will not stop. I will not be broken. Hearing people say I can't only makes me want to push and punish myself even harder, while mentally punching them in the face. Hmm... I think I'll go have some more Halloween candy now.
Never say never, I've learned. You can always do more, you can continue even when doubting you're own strength. What's that saying... pain is weakness leaving the body?...

To a life of gluttony.

Numbers

This is a nice, simple video to help spread awareness of diabetes:

Find more videos like this on Tu Diabetes - A Community for People Touched by Diabetes


Not just another number.
xo

Proof of Life

For those of you with diabetes, I think you will understand me when I say that my life is like a science experiment. So when asked 'what's it like to have diabetes?' I respond 'like a science experiement'. However, when I tell this to lay-persons they stare back at me quizically trying to comprend what I mean. I mean my life is run by numbers, tests, checks, re-tests, critical thinking, methodically planned events, trial and error, hypotheses, data ... science experiment. You'd think I'd be better in math by now...
Numbers run my life - age, weight, bank account, metro fares, time, distance, blood sugars, insulin doses, carb counting, nutrition labels... it's a never ending list.
I've recently re-started to log my blood sugars. I used to keep a cute little journal on my kitchen counter then I stopped after I moved to Maryland. I decided I should start again so now I have an Excel spreadsheet with time and doses and all those great little columns such as 'other', 'exercise' and 'notes' to analyze why my numbers are what they are. Sometimes it makes sense, sometimes it just doesn't. Diabetes is funny like that - such a joker. Logging, I belive, is a great way to stay in better control because you are fully aware of the number in that little box and all the other digits and data in the little boxes.
If I were diagnosed in elementary school this would have always been my project for the science fair. I definitely would have won over that girl who did the volcano project... ugh so chiche. But not everyone's imperfect like me, not everyone gets to have my amazing statistical and critical thinking abilites and must indeed rely on volcano projects and the solar system. Be jealous, it's ok, I totally understand. I am, after all, pretty awesome.
Experiments aside, diabetes has given me a greater respect for life and a better understanding of my body. It forces me stop and take a breather, to cherish the things that I have been given and the people that I would have never met had I never been diagnosed. So after all of these years, and probably many more to come, my daily experiments will continue. It may never come to a conclusion but I have my proof, my proof of life.

Word in Your Hand

what's yours?

My life, my style

So recently, I got some flack in the dlife blog world for my comments that diabetes is a lifestyle and not liking the words "diabetic" or "disease". Here are my thoughts and opinions on the above and why...
There are so many more aspects to diabetes than most people could ever possibly imagine. Diabetes is a part of my everyday life, it is what I do, it is what I want to teach people about, it is a part of who I am [note: I did not say who I am - just a part]. Together we rise and fall like the sun - constant, sometimes glorious, sometimes dark - but definitely always around. Aside from the injections, glicemias, glucotabs, etc., the part of diabetes some don't venture to talk about is the psyco-social aspect. In one of my college psych classes we watched a film called "What the bleep do we know?". Some parts were good, some were just rediculous, but one part has stuck with me. Dr. Masaru Emoto is a Japanese scientist who has studied the effects of water and our consciousness, sounds silly I know but once you've seen it, it's hard to forget. The gist is that positive reinforcements or negative actions have either postive or negative effects on ourselves. The example in the movie is the main character constantly telling herself that she is ugly and awkward and stupid. Dr. Emoto believes this changes our bodies ability to function properly [since we're mostly water] and becomes more susceptible to illness. On the other hand, when you think highly of yourself and have daily positive reinforcements our bodies are healthier because they are stronger. I have brought this concept into my daily life and my diabetes management. If I were to wake up daily saying how much I hate diabetes, how this disease is going to kill me, and/or how I wish for some other body than the one I have equipped with functioning organs, in essence, I'd be making myself worse. These negative thoughts and ideas have a profoundly harmful effect on our lives and how we perceive ourselves. So no, I don't say I have a disease, but a condition. I don't say I'm diabetic, but have diabetes. This is why. In all logic and dictionaries, yes, it means the same thing but the way I think about my condition doesn't have to have the same effect. Diabetes is my lifestyle because it is the way in which I choose to live. Happy, peaceful, calm, proud, healthy. I did not choose diabetes, it has chosen me - like a stray animal never wanting to leave your side... sometimes you're friends, sometimes you want to kick it in the head. Oh sorry, off topic, please don't kick animals that's just bad karma. Because of diabetes, I have found some amazing people and an inner-strength I may have never needed or found otherwise. We all have trials and tribulations but to add diabetes on to all of that, it can either make you or break you [sorry to be so cliche]. I choose to think this way about diabetes because I don't see any other way to do so. Diabetes is not something you can fight. In battle someone always loses and diabetes is going to be around for awhile. You must learn to live with it, to accept it, to rise and fall and rise again.

Feel the love.

http://www.adhikara.com/art_kunst/emoto/water-4.htm

http://www.life-enthusiast.com/twilight/research_emoto.htm

http://www.spiritofmaat.com/archive/aug1/consciouswater.html

Diabetes Health

Woohoo!!! Ahhh I'm super excited!! I wrote an article for Diabetes Health and here it is....
http://www.diabeteshealth.com/read/2007/09/27/5450.html
Tell me what ya think :)
Much love!