c'est la vie

i've been back from Paris for about a week now and still can't get over how AMAZING my blood sugar was while i was there... and no i did not behave. every morning for breakfast i had eggs, potatoes and 2, yes 2! chocolate croissants. for lunch i had more bread. and dinner i had more bread and cheese and wine and it was divine. my theory is not only was i walking everywhere [we barely sat long enough to have lunch] but i was blissfully happy. no stress, no thinking about my lack of full time employment, no worries about traffic... i was just peacefully content being lost in a new land. i've tried to bring my new outlook back with me to DC but it hasn't been as successful as i'd like. i don't get to walk very much, i work out frequently but at times that aren't too convenient. the eggs and potato breakfast quickly went by the wayside and there are no croissants waiting for me by the coffee pot.

i found an endo i like better than previous ones and he seems like he can shake me up a bit. i think i'm on the right track... i've also been journaling my numbers so i can get a better idea of how they're behaving. hopefully this will be the new beginning of a wonderful life together, big D and i.

here's hoping...

dear D

dear diabetes,
today, i hate you. i hate you more than i've ever hated you in the past 10 year relationship we've unwillingly shared. i don't know what else to do to appease you. i feel like i've tried it all and i'm so frustrated it doesn't seem to be working. i want to throw my hands up in the air and scream "i'm done!" but i won't because i know i'm not. i'm just tired... tired of dealing with you and the stress and carb counting and insulin ratios and pretending like it's all ok. it's not ok. i'm not ok. please, please, please go away and leave me alone! although that is unlikely, please just behave so i can continue living my life.

sincerely,
not your bff

Update...tis the season...

So, yes. I know I've been out of commission for quite some time now. Well, honestly, I've been busy. This is my second to last semester of graduate school. I will graduate with a Master of Public Health in April ::fingers crossed:: and after that... I really don't know. I need a job. Badly. I'm looking to stay in Florida, not necessarily Miami, possibly Orlando. Miami has been good, not great. I love the beach, I could do without most of the people. It really is a different world down here and I'm glad to have lived here but it might be time for another change... anyway we'll see what happens...
In diabetes news... My A1c is not where I want it to be, a little high... much like this December warm front 80+ degrees yesterday!)... I'm due to go back to the DRI at the end of January if I can get my insurance straight. I may have to find another doctor and not an endo because the visits aren't being covered for my "pre-existing condition". bull shit. I hate insurance companies. All of them... car insurance, medical insurance...
However, eventhough my A1C is up, I think it's up because I pretty much am never low. I now take 16u of Lantus divided into 8u twice a day and my Novolog ratio hasn't changed any still 1u to 15 carbs. I exercise on a regular basis (6x per week) for at least an hour. My diet, however, oh my diet... what can I say about that... well I've been naughty. Santa will be mad. Too many starches, etc. including desserts. I am definitely an advocate of people with diabetes eating whatever they want. Damnit we can! I just do it at the wrong times of day... like at night... before I go to bed... then I wake up high. Not a good way to start the morning. Slowly but surely I am getting that under control. Habits are hard to break.
That's all for now. I have to wake up early tomorrow for an event - I work for the Florida Heart Research Institute doing cardiovascular risk screenings... have to be there by 7am, on a Sunday. I enjoy it though!

Do what you love.

j

Happy Holidays everyone!!

Progress

Today was my first appointment at the DRI here in Miami. I was very pleasantly surprised. I didn't have to wait for very long [other than for the actual appt...] and the doctors were very nice and actually spent time talking to me. Other than the "yeah ok you have diabetes... how are your numbers?? need refills??" in and out kind of visits. How refreshing. People that care. Feels good. I like.
My past endo visits have been less than thrilling to say the least and had left the office more frustrated than ever. I hadn't found an endo that I liked since I was first diagnosed at Children's Hospital in New Orleans. Geez. What a relief. I feel better just knowing that I like my doctors!
And right then and there they checked my HbA1c... only took 6 minutes. 6 freaking minutes can you believe that!? Even got all the bloodwork taken care of after talking with my new doc across the hall from the room. So simple. Except the girl who drew my blood was a newbie and pressed down a little too hard during the process... made me feel faint. But all is well. No fainting.
Aaaaand my A1c is down! Woohooo!! I've really been working hard on that and I think I would have gone crazy if it hadn't... even though I still don't believe in the complete accuracy of them [and you can read a prior post for why]. But still it gives me a major sense of accomplishment.
Dr. M also suggested that I go talk to a CDE about management since I've been having too many low's in the AM [because of the lantus I say...] so I'm obliging and going on Monday afternoon. I hope my insurance won't freak out about so many doctor's visits... I go back to see Dr. M in two months. Hopefully with less morning lows.

To tomorrow.

What kind of what??

Searching through my insurance providers list of endos I come across the Univ. of Miami Diabetes Research Institute. Awesome! I think as I begin to dial the number. These are people who will get me and understand what I need in an endo. Perfect.
::ring riiiing:: of course it's an automated message telling me to please hold...
still holding... listening to the great elevator soundtrack of 1968... stillll holding. Oh someone finally picks up and asks me to keep holding. Ok... continue holding.

Receptionist: (obviously annoyed and disgruntled) Hello how can I help you?
Me: (trying to be as cheery as possibly to the obviously annoyed lady of the other end) Hi! I'd like to make an appointment.
Lady: Ok. What problem are you having??
Me: umm... well I have type 1 diabetes.
Lady: Ok. Are you a new patient?
Me: Yes, I just moved here and I'm looking for a new endocrinologist.
Lady: Ok. What type of diabetics do you have?
Me: ::pause:: (what type of diabetics??) umm... I uh have type 1 diabetes.
Lady: Ok. the next appointment we have available is January 28th.
Me: Oh wow geez that's a long time away but ok. Is there any way I could get some lab works done before I see the new endo? You know so she has something to look at?
Lady: Ok well I'll have to transfer you to the office to see if they can do that. Hold please...
holding.... for about 5 minutes....
Lady: Hi hold on ok?
Me: yeah sure.
Lady: and if there are any cancellations before that appointment we'll give you a call.
Me: Ok thanks I appreciate that.
holding some more...

New Receptionist: (less annoyed than the first receptionist) Hello. How can I help you?
Me: Well I was wondering if I could get some papers sent to my house so I can get some bloodwork done before my appointment.
New Lady: Are you a new patient?
Me: Yes, It'd be the first time seeing this doctor.
New Lady: Well then no. Your doctor has to see you first before writing any prescriptions.
Me: I don't need new prescriptions I already have diabetes. I just want to get my A1c done before I see the doctor.
New Lady: You have to see the doctor before she can write new prescriptions.
Me: Ok. Maybe you didn't hear me correctly. I don't need new prescriptions, I just would like to get some bloodwork done.
New Lady: That's not possible. You have to see the doctor first. Have your old doctor's office send in your files.
Me: Fine.

I gave in. I think that is ridiculous. I want to know what my A1c is now. It was horrible the last time and I've been working on getting it lower and I want to know if my hard work has been "paying off". However, I must admit, eventhough I probably shouldn't... I think the A1c is kind of dumb. It's an average right? So if it is just an average then the average of really high numbers and really low numbers is a pretty awesome number. Right? So, the average of moderate numbers and then a few high numbers is a higher number than the real ones. Catch my drift? I don't think it's a real indicator of how we're really taking care of ourselves. Maybe you disagree. It's just my opinion...

Sit back, relax and enjoy the show.

High, Hi, Hello

I've had a crappy week. From start to finish, last week just sucked. To push me over though on Saturday I got my bloodwork results back. I seriously thought my A1c would have dropped or possibly stayed the same from when the last time I got it done... but no. It went up... a whole percent! UGH! I feel like I've failed myself, I try so hard and then *bam* not good enough. Will it ever be good enough? How much harder do I need to push myself? All Saturday I beat myself in the head about it and was super depressed. Then, later on, I talked with some dia-buddies in Ecuador and they gave me some good advice... so I've calmed down a little... not much... I'm still mad. Ah! RELAX!!!! ok ok....
I know I shouldn't be mad and that's just how things go but for the first time in nearly eight years I began to worry about future complications. All the maybe's and what if's tore through my brain. How could I have let myself slip like this?? This is what I want to do with my life, how can I teach people how to care for themselves if I can't even care for me!? Is my insulin old? [no] Do I eat too much junk? [no] Why can't I get this?
Then, I took a deep breath and shut off my brain.
On Sunday, I decided I need to make some changes. I need to continue with my exercise because it makes me feel good. I need to cut some of the crap out of my diet [for now] until I can get my A1c down. I need to find that stupid cable that's in a box somewhere in the garage so I can upload my meter. My numbers were great that day too... probably cuz I was checking like a maniac and went to the gym for almost two hours...
I go back to Dr. J in May hopefully with better news...
::sigh::
This sucks.