I hope...

I hope this is just some kind of stress side effect or from working out... I hope that there's nothing [else] wrong with me... I hope I know what to do if there is...
I've been somewhat of a hypochondriac for more than awhile and it's kicking in big time right now. Lately my shoulders have been bothering me, like I can't rest/sleep on one side for very long or my arms get weak or tingly or fall asleep. But now, like as I'm writing this, my shoulders feel tired. Could it be from poor circulation? Because I know I have poor circulation, my hands are always cold. Maybe I'm overreacting - anticipating some diabetes complication to kick in. Like my eye sight has changed... again and I have an astigmatism. Is is because I have diabetes or is it just a natural thing that happens? Aging and whatnot? I also just noticed I have red marks on my pinkies... After eight years of this I hadn't really thought about complications, just recently have I begun to contemplate the future, my life in 8, 18 or even 38 years from now... it freaks me out to think of these things. It is, however, a reality of living with diabetes.
What's next? ...

Changes and Challenges

I'm being much more aggressive with my management recently. I'd been slipping and my A1c isn't where I'd like it to be. During camp we test at least eight times a day and I'm trying to keep up with that amount of testing, being sure I always have candies with me, drinking more water and exercising more frequently. Rather than testing a few times a day, almost never having sugar and just being high, drinking lots of coffee and exercising occassionally. I think I let myself get out of control because I was in a funk or some state thereof. After Hurricane Katrina, I moved to Houston where I just wandered around not knowing what to do with myself for awhile. Then I decided to go back to school and started a Certificate of Public Health program at the University of Texas School of Public Health in the Medical Center. I finished the certificate program in December. After about a year and a half I had had enough of Texas and packed up my life and my cat and moved out to Maryland in late February looking for a change. My parents moved out here in Novemeber, having had enough of the New Orleans situation, one of my sisters moved after the hurricane to DC. So now, almost all of us are on the east coast - adjusting nicely, I think, to our new lives in this strange place. Now my challenges and changes continue. My current position with AYUDA is coming to a close since it's a contractual gig and I need to find something else to keep me employed and happy. I also need to finish what I started in Texas. I want to go back to school to get my MPH and eventually become a CDE. All these changes and stresses seriously affect my blood sugars so I just try to go with the flow and try not to worry so much about the future. With a condition like diabetes though it's all about the future and what could happen if you don't take proper care.
My mind still drifts back to Ecuador. I've only been back in the states for 10 days but I don't think I ever fully come back. Each time gets harder to leave. Harder to say goodbye to the people you connect with and want to help. Harder to return to your own reality. Then I remember how I'm not only helping them but they're helping me as well.
For the past couple weeks, I've been waking up and reaching for my glasses only to remember I don't have them anymore. I gave them to one of my campers. She's eleven, looks about seven, has cataracts, doesn't hear well and comes from a difficult home life. I'm determined to help her anyway I can because she won't get it any other way. However, I don't know exactly what to do. I have the will and the desire to help change this girls [and all the campers I meet] life but I have not the means or full knowledge on how to do so. When I think of her, I think of how easy my life is, how lucky I am to be able to care for myself and be in good control. So why did I let myself slip for so long? She has given me a new strength, a new drive. I only hope I gave her some of the same during that week. That week that now seems so distant. The only reason I know it actually happened and it wasn't a dream is because of the pictures I took and the glasses I no longer have.

Take care of yourself.